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I feel a sense of dread and thankfulness all in one. There is something I have held close to myself and shared with few. It's a thing that I keep that way because it feels safe there. For if it were to be spoken, perhaps the thought of failing at it would be unbearable. But its been years now that I have been doing this and told God why I wasn't able and now I feel such conviction to be completely vulnerable and to share it. My weaknesses, my less thans all want to creep up even as I write.
And that is it. Writing. Pouring out the things God has been doing in me as I tend to these children He has entrusted to me. Why the wrestling? I mean I love to blog and that IS writing so why would writing be something so difficult to announce for me?
Because here its just raw me and I can hit delete at anytime.
But the kind of writing I am talking about is in print and its the kind that once released into the hands of others stay there. As you can't take back the words once they leave your lips so are the words that we write.
God sets the parameters for my writing. If it's my efforts, I promise you, it's not worth reading. I am a weak woman leaning on a strong God. I am so very aware of my need for Him.
So I am embarking on something new. It was confirmed when I was contacted to do this thing I love and have been locking away a wee bit: devotional writing
While I love to bless and I love to share my heart I also know that any piece from me must be all him. I am asking you to pray for me in this season of additions and newness. We have new schedules, new needs, expanding ministry work, medical appointments and plannings. Please pray that I would be strengthened through His grace to get up even earlier (4 am) and to be in bed by 11pm. This would take some real discipline but would actually give me more sleep than I am currently getting.
I'm throwing myself out there.....being as real as I can be. It gives me the all squealy feeling to think about hitting that "publish" button here. It's commital. It's an obedience thing. And I know He will meet me with His grace.
This morning in prayer time I meditated on 2 Chronicles. Oh again and again.....Lord, like Solomon, just give me wisdom and knowledge to lead my little ones the way you would have them! Solomon recognized that taking over David's role as king was to lead people as numerous as the dust of the earth and that He could only do it by God's help.
Our strength to do anything He has called us to comes from our commitment to him. Asa didn't depend on God near the end of reign and he fell apart. He depended on man and peace left him. He became enraged at the seer who spoke wisdom and truth to him and jailed him and then oppressed his people.
The moment we insert our own offenses and plans and stop seeking him we lose all sight. We fall victim to believing we know the answers and lose our teachable spirits. I don't want a "been there, done that" perspective or I might miss an expansion of a word.
Please pray that I will remain steadfast upon the Lord, will remain vulnerable and honest with my own weaknesses so that He can be glorified in my life and that He will be the author and organizer of my days.
And here comes the squeal......