Kacirek Family Blog

The Orphan Inside: Preparing for an Adoption

2012-01-26T22:56:00.000-06:00

It's offendable to our senses that God would use liars, thieves, and adulterers.But He does.We wrestle with understanding how a murderer could be loved as much as a hero.But they are.We long for that deep forgiveness of Christ that can look our torturer in their face, say I forgive you, and mean it.Alone, we are incapable.

Earlier today I posted that the first step to preparing our hearts and home for adoption is tending to the orphan inside of ourselves. That's me too. Tina. A sinner. A weak and broken little girl once a heap on the floor curled in a ball and crying out to be more than a breath. I had a mother and father but I was still an orphan. I learned through woundings that independence was the only thing trustworthy. Oh how wrong I was but I held this belief for a very long time. Independence. The word feels strong to say. Independence Day and Freedom, they go together don't they? And yet my independence isolated me in mind and spirit so that I would not receive a hurt nor a healing. It would depend on me and I could live quietly in my judgments that were obviously right in my independent state. It was a false safety that I would call my friend. And this is the plan of our enemy to make us feel comfortable enough to stay in our orphan spirit. It never seemed imaginable that I could be unlovely and yet so loved. I never imagined I could be so broken and accepted at the same time. It wrecks our senses, His love; this grace that takes what the world would dispose of and call it gold.

I was an odd little girl. Now, I find her endearing but back then even I thought myself a bit different. I used to walk by this one particular tree everyday in elementary school. I don't know why but if no one was with me I would stop and stare at it for a while. I used to think things like, "Do you know you are important? Do you feel lonely?" So each day I felt it necessary to speak to the tree. Quietly enough so no one would hear but the tree. I smiled and said, "You look pretty today." Each time it was something different, but something precious, something life giving and looking back, probably something my 8 year old self was longing to hear. I didn't know then, but I was trying to tend to my own broken heart and orphan inside.

Over the years I transferred these feelings to whoever I saw who was weak. Lela Nispel was 94 when I met her at the age of 11. Twice a week I would go to the nursing home and put nail polish on her frail fingers as she told me the same stories time and again. I loved weak people. And as long as I was tending to other weak people, I didn't have to address those very weak places hidden in me. I wasn't afraid of the dying, or the outcast. I felt attracted. It seemed familiar.

When I met Jesus in a very real way, I could hardly believe the freedom that washed off the chains that had bound me. I felt like I went back over my entire life with Christ leading me on this tour, pointing to what was true and what was not. What did I take that was never mine to carry? What was stolen that was mine to have?

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18 And this is the place, the starting point to preparing our heart. We cannot begin to love very broken and hurt orphans until we have received the truth of who we are. Orphans do not have identity. And when we are without our heavenly Father we lack identity too. You might find it elementary to be sharing about identity but there are many beautiful brothers and sisters who have received Christ but have not yet realized that they are a daughter and son of a King. There is a blockage in place still that keeps many living as though they are on their own, striving, or independent like I was. And some of us who are well versed in God's grace still return to old ways when under pressure and stress.

But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces ? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? Galatians 4:9 It's all Him. Every last bit. He is the answer to every adoption. He was the answer to yours and He will be the answer to your child. He took a nail for you. At that moment, fully aware of who you are, He sent His son to die for you because He longs for intimate relationship with you. This is the truth that releases all the power you need to minister to the hurt in your child.

When we have placed our heavenly Father in right position in our hearts and life, we are enabled to do all that He has called us to do because He now leads. And we return to place we were always meant to be- leaning.

Welcome Jubilee

2011-12-30T01:15:00.000-06:00

Jubilee has been home for nearly 2 months. Her arrival brought a lot of changes to our home. Rainan eager in excitement for her new friends arrival needed to work through their roles with Mom and Dad. While they complain when they are apart they often try to re-establish with one another who is the "boss." Each of them hold such incredible strength and exuberance and we are working on cooperation and affirming their little hearts.

Advent was a perfect time to wind things down with the outside world and bring Jesus into focus. We used this time to play with baby Jesus in our homemade manger under the tree each night and sing songs to him. Jesus was ever so patient as they took turns caring for him with the occasional dropping and tug of war. I chuckled inside thinking of how brothers and sisters in Christ often fight over Jesus, determined they are right and forgetting all is nothing without love.

This year we made a homemade wall hanging tree with ornaments numbered 1-25. Each day we prayed for a country and family (or two). As we took this time together, I could feel a growing connection and warming of our love towards the nations, the lost, the brokenhearted, the orphan, and our brothers and sisters in Christ who so beautifully display His love. These are the kinds of traditions I want to hold to, not just at Advent but all year long. Lord will you establish this in mine and my children 24/7?

We pray that Jubilee would know what a gift she is. She is precious. She is funny. She is tender. She is beautiful. But most importantly she is LOVED.

Please do keep her in your prayers as the Lord would lead you. We will be taking her to the Spina Bifida Clinic at St. Louis Children's Hospital in late January for a couple of days to do a thorough look over. She also needs some pretty heavy dental work done under anesthesia at the hospital. We are praying for her that this will not be as extensive as they currently believe. Thank you to each of you who had a part in her adoption. So many people and many strangers from all over the country sent prayers and blessings to usher her into our home. This is such an act of love of God and his heart. We are definitely feeling adjustments as a family and this is okay and to be expected growing to six, three with special needs and one a toddler. There is grace abounding for this!

Update on Maxim

2011-10-24T21:17:00.024-05:00

We went private when I went to Armenia last April because of an agreement with our adoption agency and so since that time I basically ended up not blogging anything at all. Today it became official. Jubilee Celine Kacirek is our daughter and beloved sister. I will share more about how things are going for Randy in a separate post but first an update on Maxim and his first year here in his family. Can you believe it's been 10 months already?

Here's my baby 11 months ago!

As I shared in previous posts, Maxim has been a JOY! He's all boy and loves light sabers! A bit too much perhaps. He played baseball on Miracle League with his sister Grace in the spring and loves to hit balls outside. He's very proud of his hitting.

His last game of the season landed on his 10th birthday and I don't think he could have imagined a better day! He received his medal, got a picture with the mascot, went out for pizza and then on to the zoo. Yes, we went ALL out!

He never could have dreamed of a camel ride. Have I ever mentioned how fun it is to watch this child discover?

He discovered the joys of splashing in the water and thanks to our neighbor Maxim became rather confident and accomplished with swimming with his floaties and jumping in the pool. He's praying we get our own someday.

Face in the water and everything!

So many firsts to celebrate. He had a special visit from his GREAT grandma Hartman and spent the week getting to know her.

Caught his first fish with Dad!

Had a blast at Grace Haven's Crawdad Catch in the Creek in July with his special friends.

Time for School to Start

Maxim has come so far in learning. When he first came I taught him how to put together a 4 piece puzzle. Now he does 200 piece puzzles. He has mastered his numbers to 20 and well on his way to 100. He's getting his ABC's down pretty firm now and overall really tries hard with his school work. There are so many pieces he just didn't get to participate in so he LOVES doing music and singing time that I do with Grace and Rainan. It is very toddlerish, but it's really his introduction to sing a longs, rhymes, movement. When we go to this activity I see the three and four year old in him that never got to do this stuff. The boys are kind and do not point out to him that he's doing "little kid" stuff. They have been able to recognize that these are the things he missed out on and needs to get to experience. Now if Maxim had any idea that this was way below Holden and Liam's participation, he would absolutely not do it so I am thankful he gets to explore this time with his sisters.
He loves to watch the boys do their science experiments and learns right along with them.

So on to some of the deeper things Randy and I are learning about our boy who was once a hidden treasure...

Maxim ALWAYS smiles. Hardly a problem, right? I mean after years of working through settle holds and meltdowns, this is the DREAM child, yes? And for a long while I thought this way. There were some "off" moments but I chopped it up to language or just not understanding what was going on.

Then one day it all sort of gelled together for me in prayer time. I had been puzzled over an incident at lunch. Rainan, sitting next Maxim, began choking on an orange. It was moments before I noticed something was very wrong. Maxim was watching her as he ate...smiling. I ran to do the heimlich maneuver, it didn't work. I began pounding on her back and it wouldn't come out. So I flipped her over and put my hand in as far as it could and got a pinch on the end of the piece and was able to pull it out of her throat. All of the kids were feeling panicked and watching carefully. When it was all done and we knew Rainan would be okay, the boys looked at me alarmed and said, "Did you see Maxim?" Gently we asked him if he knew what happened. "Rainan almost died." he replied as he continued chomping on his turkey sandwich. "Were you scared?" I asked. "I am hungry." he said.

This is the most vivid example I can give you to explain some of the situations that have been happening. He avoids anything sad. We've been working with him on understanding feelings, letting him know it's okay to experience those feelings. So many people comment to him on his smile. He is very well aware of this as it's almost always the very first thing anyone says to him. I'm sort of hoping people stop. I know strange, right? Since he has heard it so much he sort of plays it up and well, it may not always be genuine. And really this is where we are starting to explore more. When he doesn't get what he wants now, he's not as fast to just say okay. He's beginning to argue and test a bit. At first I was like, oh no, the honeymoon is over. But then very softly I heard a voice say, "It's okay. He's waking up." This is the emergence. These are the steps through healing. And so lately we have been dangling around in these emotions a bit and I am allowing him to feel them instead of quickly try to remove, fix and move on.

He's beginning to share more details of things from his past. He told me that he took medicine to sleep at night and during the day for his nap. (The things he shares are pretty matter of fact without emotion at this point.) I remember him being groggy if I came to see him a bit early at the institution. I can't help but wonder what role if any taking a sleeping aid night AND day might do in addition to the many things he was lacking. Bits and pieces, here and there, is coming forth and in time I am meeting Maxim, a more fuller Maxim with depth and ideas and concerns. I'm eager to hear his longings, his pain, his hidden thoughts. Those things that my other children have always been able to share. It's a working out that I see already happening through the emergence of showing of tears and disapproval. He fell into my arms and shoulder in tears yesterday and stayed there a while. I just held him and didn't say a word. And in that place I knew something was happening inside of him. He was staying in that place and allowing himself to feel and he pulled back and looked into my eyes for a long while. I was so thankful that he didn't have that plastered smile but a softened face with eyes that were searching into mine. Then he leaned forward, kissed me and gave me a sincere, "I am sorry."

I am so thankful to be on this journey with him. He teaches me so much about hope and inspires me in patience to be able to wait in prayer for these good things. He waited nearly a decade for his moment. How many people do that? He is an encourager. He demonstrates the miraculous to me through this. When I see his willingness to keep going and going, I am spurred on in my own faith to be able to parent his little heart well. If God can do all that he is doing with the background Maxim had, he can surely enable me to give more, love more, wait longer and be okay with not always having an answer. I've learned when in doubt, a hug goes a long way.

What I Can Tell You

2011-04-05T11:11:00.017-05:00

This is on the door entering Bethlehem House.

Holden and I have been in Armenia a few days now. We are slowly adjusting to the 10 hour time change but no difficulties adjusting to falling in love. We truly are tickled to meet our little Dolly.

Just to clear up some confusion I will give a little recap.

Dolly is not her real name. It is the name assigned her to keep her information private. The agency gave it to her. Some of you know her real name from private conversations but if you could please not list that on the computer anywhere we would be thankful.

Dolly is 3 and was born with spina bifida. Randy and I committed to adopt her in October of 2009, when Rainan was a little baby and months before we knew Maxim was coming on the scene. So while Dolly may be new to some of you she has been growing in our hearts for literally years now and we have anxiously awaited every video and photo update we receive.

Dolly has lived in a convent with the Sisters of Charity since she was one month old. We have totally trusted God with all of the details of all of our children so when we committed to Dolly we actually didn't know what her living conditions would be like. She has had more attention than most orphans and her care has been administered with love.

Only since a few years ago have children began to be adopted from here. I believe Dolly will be the 5th or 6th child. The sisters expressed to us how they love the children and care for them but these children need the structure of a family and who will help them grow to become who God designed them to be. All of the children in their care have down syndrome or spina bifida.

The home is small with several small rooms inside but you don't feel shut in at all. It is peaceful and filled with laughter and joyful worship to the Lord. Today one of the sisters was training me in how to give a catheter to Dolly. As she lay there we can hear outside our door the celebration of the sisters and Father's around the table joking and breaking out in song. Soon Dolly breaks out into a loud joyful song herself. She sang to me most beautifully in Armenian. I have been thanking God that she has been singing the love of God her whole life.

Dolly has no feeling in one leg and a little in the other. She can use her stomach muscles and get one leg up from a lying down position and the other she can raise slightly. You can see that they have taken great care to help her become mobile.

Here you can see Dolly decided I needed to eat an olive. She would not take no as an answer!

She took to Holden almost immediately!

Dolly is a little squirt! She is squishy as can be and silly too.

Sister Micha was teasing her yesterday that I was Sisters mama and she was going to the US with me. Dolly said very emphatically, "No, Beata (our translator) can be your mama!"

As she was carefully focused on trying to tie a shoe she looked up and said I love you in English. Then she looked to Beata and asked her in Armenian to ask me if I loved her too. GULP! I was so taken aback that she would ask that. I said yes of course so much! So she looked at Holden and said in Armenian, "Him too?" Holden looked at her and said I love you Dolly. BE STILL MY HEART! Can I tell you my chest cavity had to grow to make room for my enlarging heart.

The other fun part for us is that Dolly understands English! That's right! She has been raised learning armenian, russian, english and polish! So sometimes I say something to her in russian and she answers in russian! This has made communication great when she feels like cooperating. She keeps speaking to me in armenian and can't figure out why I don't know all of the languages she knows. She's a smarty pants!

Thank you for praying for us! We have decided that in order to be able to keep our close friends updated we would make our blog private until the finalization of our adoption which will be in 4 to 6 months.

Love,
Tina

"I am Maxim Joseph!"

2011-02-19T09:32:00.024-06:00

I can hardly believe that time has passed as it has! I saw this picture today and it struck me. This is the first time he laid eyes on us. Can you imagine what was going on in his little mind? A family? For me? ME?!

It turned my thoughts to conversations I had with officials in Ukraine. Most commonly the question is, Why? What is in it for us?

My answer at the time, not very eloquent but true, is Love. Love just loves. It doesn't see disability and is not burdened.

It's with such delight I get to share with you our newest photos of our most precious Maxim Joseph. His light shines so bright, I might need to warn you to put on your sunglasses! Here my friends, is what is in it for US!

Maxim has this natural gift for building and balance. He likes to play with blocks and legos and surprises us with his designs.

He has moved on up to 70 piece puzzles. Grace is feeling the pressure! LOL

Maxim loves going to Holden's basketball games. (Holden is number 23.) He cheers loudly for both teams. He waits patiently and at the end of the game he runs out onto the court running around- dreaming of his time to play on a team. The officials have been so kind to let him have a basketball to dribble and Randy lifts him up to make a basket.

Watching the relationship develop between Maxim and his siblings has only deepened our thankfulness. Richer and deeper our faith roots grow. Broader and wider we are able to spread as we have seen the goodness of God. Listening to their laughter, watching them care for each other, encouraging one other, every "You can do it!" and "Good job!" reminds me of the tender encouragement God has given to us when we weren't sure if we could, but we still tried.

Maxim is learning it's okay to try new things and he has a whole team of cheer leaders rooting him on!

For a Valentine treat we took all of the kids to Chuck E. Cheese. It was after this trip Maxim announced, America is good! When Randy tucked him in for bed that night, right as he was about to close the door, Maxim sat up and called out "Papa, Chuck E. Cheese! God job!" followed by two thumbs up.

Last week we received an amazing and historic snowfall. There was no way Maxim would miss this!

Here's the "getting ready to meet 18 inches" photo!

He got a little excited and slipped. Don't worry. He was heavily padded and laughed the whole time!

Liam's Angel

Holden resting in his mountain of tunnels

This has been such a fun time of creation for Maxim. Watching him blossom, well this is our joy. This is what we get. Seeing his humor develop, his own ideas and his love for life, well it makes this mama cry everytime.

He has the same bedtime routine every night. He's to go to the bathroom before heading to his room but each night when he goes in he doesn't come out! Randy has to call and call for him. Then he goes in after him to find him sitting on the toilet pretending to have fallen asleep. When Randy "wakes" him he laughs and laughs. He's silly. He's funny. He's perfect.

All of these things about Maxim we love. But his heart we care for far above anything he can do. Here's how Maxim ministered to mine recently.
The other day I handed a photo of him from when we first met at the institution. He looked at me and said. "I am Maxim JOSEPH!" You know what? There was power in that. I heard: I am not my past. I am not who anyone says I am. I am not my circumstances. I am who God made. I have been ADOPTED. I am free from fear of man, fear of what the enemies plans are because I belong to LOVE Himself. That's what I heard in Maxim's message. He had no idea he was preaching to me. His sermon started with "I am Maxim Joseph." And he ended it most eloquently. "God is good."

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-5

True Help

2011-02-01T15:14:00.011-06:00

While I have always wanted to be open and transparent about the things we have seen in the institution, I have not wanted to share any of those things to merely point a finger in disgust or even to stir anger in hearts towards "those people" who "let those things happen." Recently a ministry went into an institution to help, loving the children, feeding them and bringing clothing. The only problem was they also secretly brought in a foreign journalist who was wanting to write a story about how institutions are trying to keep children from being adopted!

If you want to know why it is so hard for "outsiders" to come in, its because of situations like this. From 2006 to this winter when we returned we have seen great strides in Maxim's institution and some mindsets that have been changed as TRUST has been built. God is all about relationship. If we go in with blessings of gifts yet secretly cursing and judging, we are not helping!

After spending weeks with the director it was impressed upon my heart that to make a difference will require true relationship, honest interactions. In being fair, its easy to make assumptions and to draw conclusions about what's happening on the other side of the world from the comfort of our "fair" world we live in. But if we do that we go down a slippery slope to not only shutting down adoptions, but ruining relationship.

Before you think I am defending the way many of these children have to live in mental institutions, let me share some information. The director of the institution is responsible for feeding all of the children whether or not food is present, and whether or not the government has provided the funds needed. Not just food but clothing, medicine, heat and water. They too have a budget. For many years in Ukraine, children with special needs were not thought to be adoptable. The mindset of some of these directors was formed from the very culture they live in. They live and work each day in a desperate place where their own people look away. They have not lived in a free country all of these years.

The director of Maxim's institution told me quite movingly over a meal we shared of the years he and his wife would work to find food and travel long distances and selling their own things to provide for the children. He described years of no money coming to help, no running water, no heat and little food and clothing. That was REAL life for this guy. Well our perceptions are often formed from our own experiences. This man learned after 20 some years of service that nobody would help and come adopt these children.

It wasn't until the last several years that he has stepped out and trusted outside humanitarian help to come inside a place that would be described as horrific by most Americans. Imagine the risk involved with that? He knows the children need help but he knows he is under the rules and regulations of the authority placed over him in his country. He must follow their rules and yet each time he receives help for the children or opens the door for an outsider he risks judgment, He takes the brunt of it. I learned in my time there that for every transaction he will be accountable. Someone in his authority will scrutinize the monies his institution receives and he will have to defend that. Then when he allows foreigners in to help, he has to face the scrutiny and mistrust of them too.

I get it. I walked in and saw things I would do differently. I began asking the hard questions. Why isn't this child on an IV in the critical care unit at the hospital? Besides the fact there isn't a child specialist to help at the hospital, he responded to me, "How will we pay for it? If you will, we will take this child to the hospital." He even offered to send one of his nurses to cut down on the cost of a nurse at the hospital. When I explained to him that some of these children needed help eating appropriate foods and nutients, he understood but again expressed, "How?" He never told me no. We had an open and honest exchange at which time he shared how much he wished they had some sort of diagnostic tool available to know what's going on with the children. This led me to the understanding of why diagnoses are often not accurate when we adopt children from these environments. Many times they are best guessing the problems these children are dealing with.

I came home a bit different this time. My heart wasn't just broken for the children, but for the caregivers, staff and the director. The day I left I was bawling like a baby hugging a room full of staff- no a room full of REAL HEARTS created by God. True love covers over and is a helper to the weak. Can I tell you that everything is "right" there? No, I can't. But I met people who have lived lives far more difficult than mine, with far less available to them and I learned many are doing the best they can with what they have and what they know. Many of them have not met the love of a merciful heavenly Father.

Please, I want to challenge you in your thoughts and prayer life to expand the way you think about caring for the orphans in these difficult places and begin including the hearts of those who have been placed there to be hands and feet to look over these children. How might we see differently? Can we go deeper still? What opportunities do we have to make a difference with the children, by loving on the people?

Part of James 1:27 is not becoming polluted by the world. If we begin moving from love in our ministry to becoming leery and suspisious, we change our focus, our motives, and ultimately we begin serving our own ideas, plans. While I wish Maxim's life these last 5 years would have been different, I can tell you that it's by the grace of God that he would fill Randy and my heart with his love for this boy and these children to move to adoption.

The way we reach out into these places will be in humility, sincere desire to bring the love of Jesus, and in truth.

I spoke with this journalist a couple of weeks ago. I shared with him the lengths the staff went to not only help us adopt Maxim but to care for me personally while I was there. In a land where the fasting moving rumor is that Americans adopt for organ harvesting and for slavery, we were trusted. More and more families are adopting children with special needs and highlighting they ALL have "potential." It's surprising and amazing to these caregivers and staff to see pictures of children who were so weak and failing to now be strong and healthy in homes where they are loved for the unique and precious gift they are. They are in awe and perhaps even befuddled as to why someone would take on such "burden." More than that, I believe it is a powerful display of the love of Christ.

Will you please join us in praying not only for these children, but for the native people to begin having their hearts stirred for the least; to see the beauty in these precious little lives. Let's pray for the one's like Maxim's director who takes his job seriously and to heart. And let's pray that we are continually led in love by the Holy Spirit, eager for the truth that brings real freedom. I find it interesting that the verse that precedes James 1:27 is this: If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight reign on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Let our words be edifying and motives pure.

I rescued the fatherless who had none to assist him. Job 29:12

Sweet Days are HERE: An Update and Some Thoughts

2011-01-11T12:22:00.034-06:00

Wow! Where do I start? We have huddled in and shut out much of the world the first couple of weeks as we have gotten to know our new little bundle. Here's a photo of what we had waiting for us at the airport! Maxim was tired but so excited to see everyone!

Daddy's face says it all!

What can I tell you about Maxim? He's deep yet light. I've been told before and seen myself that he doesn't just look at you, but into you. Here's a few little examples of the way Maxim thinks. When I was in Ukraine with him he saw my wedding ring and would gaze at it often. One day he asked the translator to ask me how I felt when Papa asked me to marry him. He said "Papa had to marry Mama. She has such beauty!" Okay well that earned him some extra points for sure! In Ukraine he would ask me often how his Papa in America was doing. His care for others must be his strength and we can already see that God will use him in this way.

He's thoughtful. He loves all of his family and has special things he enjoys to do with each of them.

We had a very special Christmas at home and celebrating his first Christmas was hard not to cry tears of joy. Christmas Eve we spent dancing to our favorite Jesus songs in the living room and watching a movie later on. Note: Dancing may appear as falling down in photos- HA!

Have you ever seen a happier face?

He loved the Christmas tree. He kept asking me in Ukraine if he would have a tree in his house. He couldn't wait to see it.

Look at all those presents! We were so blessed when the Northcutt's came and surprised us with lots of presents for Maxim and all the kids. Then we received lots of presents from afar since we didn't travel or see extended family this year. This made for a present packed tree but I assure you there was no diminishing of the praises to God for the most precious gift- Jesus! And we all were aware that the priceless present this year was our new son and brother, Maxim Joseph.

He's spent more time outside the last few weeks than he has in his life. He complains a bit about the sun but its getting better.

Yep, he can climb the playhouse!

Goes down the slide!

Loves to play fetch with Libby!
We've gotten into a regular schedule now and well, things have been so much "easier" than I anticipated. He wants to learn, constantly pointing to things for me to give him the English word for it. When he has a new phrase or word down pat, he wants to use it over and over. Here's some typical school days.

So what do you do with a 9.5 year old boy with special needs who has never been taught and lived the last 5 years in a mental institution? Well, we start from the beginning and we don't skip any steps so it all gets mastered. We aren't concerned about getting him started in grades or activities that other 9 year olds are doing. This is a time that we go back and address all that needs good foundation and the rest will come. He's already amazed me with his progress! For instance- having never done a puzzle before, we started with shapes that fit in the right shape hole. Then moved on to 4 piece, then 12, and he is now doing 25 piece puzzles. In two weeks time.. We went back to stacker toys, sorting colors, lacing beads, coloring and painting. We have just started playing games with the boys like Memory and Candyland. This is new but I expect in a few weeks he will have these down pat too.

Some of the pieces to teaching him is the basics about relationships. Because he had no example, he didn't know how to meet and greet someone. He would just go to anyone and kiss and hug them. So sweet but you can imagine some of the looks we got! LOL So we have used this time of going to parks, meeting the folks at Dad's office, friends coming to bring food as new opportunities for him to become confident in meeting people. He's done so well! He's still such a gentleman though, he usually kisses the hand of each person he greets! The most helpful thing for us has been those friends who actively join us in teaching him those things that we all just take for granted.

What about the effects of the institution? We do see some of these things. When he first came home he rocked a lot. We see less and less of this and he now does this mostly at night in bed. When we see him rocking, we just say, "Maxim's okay." He stops and says, Okay. Usually he just needed that check in to stop. He's also making discoveries he was never allowed to before. In some ways he's like our Rainan going around the house flicking all the lights and fans, flushing the toilet, turning off and on the faucet, and freezing us out when he turned the heat off at night! YIKES! LOL He is playing with Rainan's toddler toys and needs some help to know how to play with some things.

What does Grace think about him? Well most of you know that Grace is from Ukraine too. She was born affected by FAS. We have found that Grace likes having a brother that has some challenges and will go to therapy too. She points out his weaknesses to focus on what she can do. For instance, "Maxim isn't good at puzzle like me. I'm good at puzzle." We point out to her that everyone is good at something and everyone struggles with something too but God doesn't care about any of those things. He cares about our hearts. I suspect it has comforted her to know that Maxim will be attending therapy at the same place as she is.

If we can share one single thing that has made a difference it has been spending time as a family in worship and prayer. We see the change in him as we enter the presence of heavenly Father. There has been a grace over him and he truly radiates the joy of God. The joy of the Lord is our strength! This is evident in Maxim!

Those of you who gave to his adoption, you hold a piece of this treasure as your own in the eternal realm. You took part in freeing a captive. I have the pleasure of loving him daily, of experiencing the miracle of being his mom and for this, I cannot find the words of thanks but I pray each of you feel it in your heart as I pray for you. I truly thank God for you as I think of you. These are sweet days in our home. Days that we celebrate. Any of the challenges are mere blips because we have yearned for so long to see him join us at the dinner table, cuddled on the couch for family night, and to see his spot filled in the van.

HALLELUJAH!

With love,
Tina

Living Above while Living Within

2010-12-18T00:53:00.005-06:00

We've needed a few miracles, things I didn't share a prayer request on. Mainly because I didn't have access to the computer. And, I think, that's what God intended for me at the time. I think he wanted me to see these things unfold before my eyes without seeking man's prayer. Not that he doesn't want us to pray for eachother but I really sensed he was doing something in me, and these were events for me to go through with God alone.

First there were two birth dates reported and we had to have a separate court process to remedy. I shared that prayer with you all and at 11:59 God had it fixed in time for us to have court naming us the parents of Maxim.

Next, before you can get a passport you have to travel to the birth city and retrieve the birth certificate and have a new certificate made. All the day before I kept hearing in my spirit that there would be need for great faith today. I really sensed it was regarding our travels since it was heavy snow and very icy on rough roads and we had a 4 hour drive each way. While I was aware, I wasn't focused on trouble or expecting difficulties. I was expecting to see God do something. He placed upon me a peace that did not require courage or bravery. It was simply his gift he gave and all I did was go where I was supposed to go.

When we arrived to the ladies office who was going to tend to us I sensed she had a incredibly rare soft demeanor. As I sat and listened to her and George work out details I was becoming well aware that this was taking MUCH longer than it should be. They talked and talked and talked in Russian. Soon she began asking questions about our adoption and then confided that she herself had taken in a 3 year old boy and would like to take more but they barely make enough money to sustain their own family. She expressed the judgment and ridicule she faces to do something truly radical in her own country.
Then it came. The bad news. There were more problems with the abandonment papers for Maxim with dates not matching in the archives. To me, it seems not a big problem but George explained- no this was big. Here a discrepancy like that would take us back to court and another couple of weeks here. Then, the woman did something that George had never seen before. She made the changes herself and took on the responsibility should there be problems later.
She then went on to explain that she wasn't supposed to be the one in charge of this case but was called in last minute. She spent hours in her office and stayed after work to finish what we needed with no extra payment. If you know this culture- that just doesn't happen. Everything has a cost. Not only did she finish up our work but we were able to talk about God and his incredible love. We left in tears, hugging exchanging information and she introducing me to her husband. When God has something planned it is so far over our head. We don't see what He has coming at us nor will we EVER grasp the ramifications of what our agreement with him will do. But if we don't truly believe that God is a good God we become afraid and miss out. These opportunities are meant for us to REST in what He is doing.

Shortly after we breathed our sigh of relief and climbed in the car for the long journey home in the dark, the next adventure began. As we were driving in the country heading up a hill on the ice, the car slows more and more and I know that the tires are not able to keep traction on the road. Soon the backward slide happens before it stops. The driver keeps trying to start the car over and again and when he would get it started it didn't want to climb since we were on ice. Over in the other lane, oncoming traffic, there wasn't ice so he thought if he could get over into that lane we would have a chance at making it up the hill. With some more tries the engine starts and we crawl onto the other side when it dies again. So now I realize that I have no control. There is no place to go. No short walk to anyone around.
Before we made it over to the oncoming traffic, cars had been coming but not a one came during the several minutes we were stuck there. Quietly I prayed for God to do his thing and the car started and we made it up the hill and over to our lane again. Once we were over the hill, oncoming traffic began again. The trouble was, this car was running out of gas and going up a hill was a definite killer. We still have several miles to go before we could reach a gas station. I have seen lots of things but I have never seen a car with no gas drive- until now. It scooted us at 5-10 miles an hour. We had such excitement as we saw the gas station come into view.
Realizing now that no matter what, we could walk there we were certain our adventure was over. It's late and no one around we pull into the station only to find- there is no gas! They were all out of order. The driver was not familiar with the area so we weren't sure what to do next. A man comes out of nowhere and points in a direction of where we could find another station about 2 miles away - up a steep hill. :o) For the next quiet half hour we watched this car move- ever so slowly but ever so surely all the way there where we safely and with joy filled up.
Over the last days I have been talking to God and praying about that day he showed himself so beautifully and I realized that what I could have chosen to view as an awful day, a close call, etc.... I had been given the ability to see as God's work. That I can rest in the midst of the trouble's the world wants to hand me is a miracle. It's living above the world while living within that we are called to do.
Some people have "deal breakers." Those things they won't do because it's uncomfortable, challenging, difficult, and maybe means having some heart pain. I can tell you that has definitely been the case on this journey that we would hit roadblocks. How many times do we ourselves limit our unlimited God? How many times do we say, "Well that would never happen."

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 GOD has GIVEN you power. He gives you the strength when you have none yourself! He gives you the gift of love when you don't think you have enough. (Am I patient enough to do this? What about this... and what about that?)

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I've done so little on this trip but go and receive. It's true. All we did was say yes. Your yes to God hold's power. It releases into the heavens. Not that it is our will that we bestow upon God...oh no...that we already know it is God's will to rescue and release the captives in whatever capacity that might be that he has assigned to each of us. None of us are exempt. There are all kinds of precious jewels hidden in dark places through out this world. Will you go on a treasure hunt of the most divine kind? Will you allow God to WOO you with His works?

I will go before you and will level the mountains[a]; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. Isaiah 45:2-3

Oh and I love this....

The Lord their God will save them on that day as the flock of his people. They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown. How beautiful they will be! Zechariah 9:16-17

God is inviting us to participate in the works of heaven. Have you ever thought of it THAT way?

Sitting next me on my bed in Ukraine is a little jewel that is sparkling! Not only has his life been redeemed but only God knows what He has in store in His mighty power for Maxim's life. You may be a part of God's plan to bring home one child, but the results of that love may very well result in multitudes of others receiving their freedom!! You see God multiplies....He doesn't only just meet us but he overwhelms us. I'm really not in pursuit of the orphan. I am in pursuit of the releasing of the powers of Christ's love to invade and restore the generations to their heavenly Father. Don't let anything get in the way of the prepared path God has set for you. His gifts are just way too powerful to sit on a shelf.

With great love this Christmas, I'm bringing my boy HOME!

Tina

What do you see, God?

2010-12-06T06:58:00.016-06:00

I have been asked a couple of times how I can go in to a place where there is a lot of sadness and pain and be able to "handle it." When we first arrived I was told by someone here that they had visited this institution before but could not ever go back. It made me sad to hear that but I knew what she was really trying to say. It is very difficult to see children who were hurting, living outside of the design God had for them within family.

If I went each day as Tina, one stand alone gal, with really nothing to offer I don't know that I could go. But God sends us to places not to feel "warm and fuzzy" or to walk in and transform and fix in our efforts. He sends us really for only one purpose and that is to bring His love.

Long ago I saw these children and places like this as sanctuaries, as holy places. If God speaks of orphans as he does in the Bible, than can you imagine the kind of seriously silly love abounding there? That many cannot see it isn't because God is not madly in love with each of these children. Oh he is! He's watching us to see our response. He's poured his love into us now what will we do? Will we care? If He is our first love, than we can't do anything else than care.

The question I ask each morning... What do you see God? Show me what you see! The world tells me lies, but you God, you tell the truth! Everything he has made is GOOD! What man has done is another thing. So if we wake up each day looking at what man is doing, there is no power and ya know what, not much grace. But when I ask the all knowing God to reveal hidden things, sweet and precious beauty that no one else will take the time to look for, He will show it. He wants us to take off the veil and to see Him here, in this orphanage, in your home, neighborhood, workplace.

Recently, it was brought to my attention as a concern that we will not be able to handle another child with special needs in our home. As I swallowed the heavy painful lump in my throat, they pointed to my unorganized kitchen, my almost 2 yr old, my "high maintenance" child with FAS, and the concern to keep my older boys focused on their school. I have prayed and prayed on this. It hurt.

This is the response I wish I could have said but usually I don't have a fast reply.
It's written with love and God was good to wipe the sting along the way.

I often find straggling socks without matches. My boys often have holes in their pants that I haven't had time to mend yet. Some of our schoolwork is done in the van on our way to therapy appointments. My white floors are usually a week behind in being cleaned. My counter tops are collections of art piles, books and misc. items that eventually make it back to their "home." The laundry is never "done" and most definitely the dishes are never finished. The bannister finds a mark as soon as I remove it. I can see hair from our cherished animals on the furniture. On several occasions I forgot to take my shower I had planned on. If you tour my house and judge me in this, you are welcome to, but you will miss much.

You might overlook our joyful pancake making that the kids learned how to do while you are busy looking at the mess it has made. You might not see that we come together in worship and devotion to God if you are distracted by the missing baseboard in the family room. You might miss the twinkles in my children's eyes as you observe the cat on the table licking out of the leftover milk in the cup. You might mistake my children's artwork as clutter. As you stare at the pantry that needs revamping once again, you might overlook the miracle that one of our family members learned how to eat in this house and might not be alive today if God did not bring her here. If you notice dust on my hanging light fixture, well, I might just be glad you are atleast looking UP!

But no matter how I reply, I am still guilty by the standards this person has held me to. Those standards, by the way, are none being taught to my children.

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. Colossians 2:8

As I prayed, I washed everything through Christ's eyes. I considered this other point of view for only a time and I found chains there. I lost the joy and peace and love that God promises when we seek Him alone.

As I sat amongst the orphans today I tried to imagine how I could ever convey to them the sorts of reasons laid before me not to come here and not to love them, help them. How would that go?

"Listen, sweetie, Jesus loves you but I have floors that never seem to get clean! I know you are hungry and lonely but God is a father to the fatherless! Let me wipe your tears honey. Surely you realize the importance of my children taking two vacations this year. We need to find rest and relaxation after our "crazy" sports schedules, Christmas shopping and church work. Keep trusting God sweetie! He loves you! He's blessed me with SO much and we are having a big party to celebrate. If he can do that for me, I know he will help you. I wish I could do more but I am getting out of debt...so I can save up for more fun things. Just know that I am praying for you sweet girl!"

Then I was reminded:

Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs of judgment.
What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such a faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go I wish you well; keep warm and and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. James 2:12-17

We hope we are teaching our children to see Jesus in everything they do, in every place they go and even to love the ones who do not reflect his love in their hearts. Our children know that God doesn't look at the outward appearances, he looks at what is inside. And even when he doesn't like what's inside of us, he still loves us. Our children have learned how to wait on God for their desires and see Him answer. Our children have learned that suffering happens, because they have seen it and some have experienced it. They also know that God saves because they have witnessed his grace. Our children are learning that sometimes, things don't go as we plan, but God is always good.

I hope that most of all, our children know they are never a burden to me and their father. They are hugged, kissed, and told they are loved everyday. They know what it's like to have parents pray over them. They know that Mom and Dad mess up but they also know parents who say "I am sorry." They get to see a Mom and Dad who are passionately devoted to eachother and to their family and to GOD!

There is great GRACE poured out on those who will say YES when Jesus calls your name and sends you. Your house maybe won't be spotless and you might find that there things you just didn't get done that you hoped to. But do not become enslaved by those who have not had their eyes opened to the greater works He has in store. The joy our family marinades in, well, I wouldn't trade it for anything. We will never trade Christ for anything else.

So keep asking, What do you see God? I want more of you JESUS! And when those painful words come at you like arrows questioning why and what and how you are doing what you do, just keep seeing Jesus' love poured out for YOU! You are the beautiful hands and feet of Jesus going places most of the world closes their eyes to! Praise God, you didn't!

Day 17: Taste and See that the Lord is GOOD!

2010-12-05T07:15:00.013-06:00

I've got about a weeks worth of blog topics, but today I will stick with the little miracle of love! If you've been through much or maybe had everything taken from you, if you have loved and lost over again, if you have been betrayed by the ones who are supposed to care for you, if you have been left out if you weren't the fastest in line, on and on, it's quite humanly reasonable to not trust anymore.

Many many of the difficulties adoptive parents have experienced isn't children's behaviors, but the one's who hurt the children to begin with. And that can be a multitude of factors. So when you see a child who hoards, who steals, who lies, who lashes out first, it's not an evil child you are seeing. It's a child who has been neglected, who was stolen from, who was lied to and who was hurt. This really isn't the topic of today's post but it sets up for you why what I am about to share is a miracle.

Today Maxim didn't hover over his snack. Today Maxim drank his juice in sips and returned it to the table. Big deal! Yeah, actually, it is!

He trusted that there would more good to come. He trusted that he didn't have to shove it in or ELSE. He is learning to enjoy food with those he loves and TRUSTS! I made a little video so you could see him pace himself and for me to remember as a real triumph. You will have to see it on my FB page though.

While I was taping the video of Maxim and Artyom having their snack, I was able to catch footage of Artyom opening the snack and giving more to Maxim when he asked for it. The really awesome thing about that is Artyom not only is missing feet and has a cleft palate but his hands don't work like ours either. This kid I believe, has demonstrated more faith and determination to the others around him than he will ever know. The grace upon his life makes me want to cry, but then it just makes me want to be a better person. He has strengthened my faith.

Today I handed out more mirrors to children. I know very few words in Russian but because "Beautiful" says beautiful all the time, they know that word. :o) So as we held those mirrors and listened to worship music I spoke over each of them their beauty and preciousness in Christ Jesus. I point to heaven, hold their faces and smile.

By the way, some of the orphans I get to love on are in their 50's.

I'm amazed at how much God has been able to do with few words. Peace shows up, love abounds, and for our time together coloring, drawing, singing, SWEETNESS rests there. Ya know, it's pretty easy to love and show kindness for short periods of time when under pressure. You know that your time will be up soon so you "hold on." Well, what has amazed me is that there is an abundance of love stored up in hearts and they are looking for opportunities to pour it out. These "children" have seen only 3 adoptions now in the last 6 decades of this institution and yet, HOPE lives. If that isn't God, I don't know what is. The hope of freedom still thrives in many hearts here. Maxim's is being realized. Artyom, Beautiful and some other children are witnessing his miracle right before their very eyes and they are holding on to the hope that one day THEIRs will arrive.

Artyom took this photo as we were finishing up for the day:

For many children here, their hope is fading. Perhaps this has been the most painful part to see. They are beginning to shut off in their pain and sorrow and many are physically in great pain. If you can remember back to the post of the boy with the slippers. He needs medical help that isn't available here. I am praying for a family for him but even more I am praying that the body of Christ would be moved to financially support medical treatment for him. He has spent his entire life in "the splits." He has great joy and smiles everytime he sees me. "Priviet, what is your name?" he says. He asks me in English. He's a charmer.

I have seen the goodness of God here. I have been moved and touched in deeper ways than I knew. I love God more. My hunger and thirst for Him has grown and I taste and see that HE IS A GOOD GOD who has sent his son Jesus to demonstrate His great love for us that we might live our lives that reveals that GOODNESS to the world who has not yet met Him.

"You my brothers were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge sinful nature; rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." Galatians 5:13-15

"I the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." Isaiah 42:6-7

Day 14: A "Beautiful" Kind of Day

2010-12-02T07:38:00.006-06:00

There's no way around it, Beautiful has weaved her way into our hearts. She joined us again today to play with Maxim and Ira, a 25 year old girl. I can't call her a woman because in so many ways she seems about 15. She too has cerebral palsey. Her feet are twisted in and up and she has learned to walk on them that way. I met another miracle yesterday. Here's Ira.

And Beautiful with Ira

I better back up to say that this morning was a rough start. The neighbor of mine had the television blasting so I put my earplugs in and then slept through the alarm this morning. I woke about 20 minutes before I had to leave so I forgot to pack the juice and food treats that Maxim loves so much. I wondered how Maxim would take this disappointment and how I was going to convey to him how I forgot. I put my hands together next to my head like I was sleeping and then yawned and opened my eyes, looked at my watch then screamed "machina to Maxim, machina to maxim" Vroom! Vroom! Well, it worked. They all understood me and we had a good laugh at how silly Mama is. Perhaps my efforts to convey what happened was a good enough to forgive me quickly. I was surprised he never really showed disappointment at all. In fact he said, "Mama, okay."

I didn't post yesterday mostly because I was working through little bits of sorrow and leaning on God. It was good, just not a posting kind of day. I had spent a good amount of time praying with Beautiful and Ira. I learned quickly that they knew God in heaven. Without words, you can feel worship. Ira went from reclusive and downcast face, to radiance. In prayer, I began crying which I did not plan to do in front of these girls. I was truly overwhelmed with them and their love for God that it sent me to humility so fast...so deeply. With some thoughts of my kids back home and missing Randy, I guess I was ripe.

But what happened next just killed me. They leaned over to me and wiped MY tears. I recovered quickly but I learned that the capacity for love can still thrive. These girls are longing to GIVE love! Not just to receive love but they too want to live freely and to have families, to nurture. They aren't looking for clothes, food, toys and all of the extra's. They really want to be loved and to give love. They want to be seen for who they are. Not a number sewn on their clothes. Not a diagnosis made years ago that determined their life course. Can you imagine? Can you imagine on your worst and weakest day being judged and labeled and for the rest of your life you live according to that day?

So all of this was my yesterday....

Come today, I wasn't surprised to find Ira and Beautiful waiting for me again, hoping to spend these two hours in hugs and prayer and worship again. Maxim is very close to Beautiful so he likes having her around.

I was playing ball with Maxim for a long while when I noticed Beautiful and Ira sitting together whispering a distance away. They looked sad watching us. Perhaps the better word is longing. They looked longingly. I knew what they were talking about. I heard those clue words, Mama, America, dom (home), love. Maxim came over to me and hugged me and said Mama Tina and Beautiful's face had a million expressions on it. God, please grant her miracle! When it was nearing time to go she came over to me and she hugged me but it was a different kind of hug. It felt like a plea for mercy on her life. She knows she only has until April to be adopted.

I don't know if you have heard or not that Ukraine has said they are putting a moratorium on adoptions. What that means exactly isn't known yet, but more will be known Dec. 17th when the next meeting is set to discuss this. Will you please be in prayer for this day? This will have a big impact on the older kids like Beautiful. Their clocks are ticking.

May the growns of the prisoners come before you;by the strength of your arm preserve those condemned to die. Psalm 79:11 The days of the blameless are known to the Lord, and their inheritance will endure forever. Psalm 37:18

With love and thankfulness, I pray you are overwhelmed with your heavenly Father's love today and that these days leading up to Christmas would be filled with thoughts of that love and the precious gift you have of your family. You are free to be loved and to give love. Do it generously and with joy in your hearts and watch what happens.

Sweetly wrapped in grace,
Tina

Day Twelve: Court

2010-11-30T09:10:00.003-06:00

Sorry no photos to share today. It was an emotionally packed day as we scurried to make calls and confirmations and learned early this morning that our problems were resolved for court. Then we went out to the institution for Randy and Holden to play with Maxim one last time and say goodbye. It was hard for all of them and me too. I knew that this place had changed their hearts and the children are forever impressed into their memories, not to be forgotten. Telling Artyom and Beautiful goodbye was especially difficult. Maxim took it all pretty well knowing Mom was going to continue coming to see him each day and that he would be coming to America soon. He's hanging on that.

We had a small break of time for lunch before we walked to court. We stood in a crowded dark hallway until we were called in to a small room. The inspector, the institution's psychologist, the prosecutor, recorder and judge met us there. The session went well and we touched that even when the inspector and psychologist spoke in the hearing they spoke well of us personally and had we had impressed their hearts with our time with Maxim. When it was over we were sent back outside to wait for the decision to be handed down and then we were called back inside. While we waited, George who doesn't meet a stranger was explaining to the others in the hallway what was taking place. We received blessings, hugs and thank you's from people I will never see again but will thank God for the encouragement at that moment. As we filed back in to the court room, I tried to keep myself strong. The weight of all of these months, the paperwork, the years of prayers for Maxim, thoughts of my kids at home, thoughts of Holden and Randy leaving only a couple of hours later....ALL OF IT was sitting on my heart and I didn't want it all to come pouring out on in a bawl like I wanted to so badly. So as she announced that Randy and Tina Kacirek are now the parents of Maxim Joseph Kacirek, I stood there with tears pouring down my face. I didn't know tears could be produced in that quantity. I turned to see the inspector and psychologist and everyone was crying. It's only right that Maxim be rejoiced over in this way. We felt a huge victory spiritually- what Satan meant to kill has been redeemed and blessed. Maxim Joseph has a mother and a father and a family!

So it felt all so anticlimactic to find ourselves in the market afterwards and then packing Randy and Holden's things into the truck to go. They take a drive to the train station then a 12 hour ride to the city. Tomorrow they go to the Embassy and hop an early flight Thursday morning. Because of the time change, they will be home thursday afternoon. Funny. My heart will feel such a leap to see them back home.

As for me, I cannot get rights to Maxim until Dec. 13th and I still need to travel to his birth city which is 3 hours away to get his birth certificate- that can't be done on the 13th so we wait until the 14th. And we need to have the birth certificate before we can attain his finalized passport so adding all that needs to be done here in region before we head up for medicals and 2 day embassy visits, we may be looking at returning to the US around Dec. 18-20th sometime.

As I waved goodbye to George, Randy and Holden, I kept repeating to myself inside, "I'm a big girl. I'm a big girl. I'm a big girl." Then thoughts of Maxim flooded my mind of all of the times he had been disappointed, left alone, scared. Then I began thinking of all that is going through his little head right now and how strong he has to be. Not knowing where he is going, no idea of what America is or how he will get there. His leap of faith is far greater than Randy and mine in going for him. Leaping in faith isn't easy. There are not guarantee's that your road is made easy. But we don't live out faith because we are "safe." Part of leaping is trusting. That's what Maxim is doing. He's leaping that even after being hurt by his birth parents, being left alone in an institution for many years, that he will trust one more time. Gosh, that leaves me speechless. I think of how many people I know who will not trust again, who will not believe the best, who feel they are forever scarred from their pasts.

Childlike faith.... Childlike faith.... I'm a big girl. I'm clinging to childlike faith.

Praising Jesus for this day, for this gift of Maxim Joseph Kacirek - a preciously loved son of mine.

Love, Tina

Day Eleven: New Sights

2010-11-29T08:08:00.007-06:00

Today was a packed day of new events, some good some not so good. We started the day with our visit to Maxim and had so much fun with him. It's more and more a delight and it's "comfortable." Artyom joined us and "Beautiful" came in to greet us and to put a necklace on me that she had been working on all weekend. I love that girl.

We pulled out our treats and juices and what a surprise to see Maxim try so hard to slow down his drinking. Dear boy held on for the first bit but then dove in and began looking for more from me. How could I say no? :o) Towards the end of our visit, I broke away to give knitted booties that Heather made to the little one's in the bedridden room. I will share just one so you can share in their excitement. The hardest part was that we didn't have enough for everyone in the room so I am going to go looking this weekend on the open market and see if I can find some for the others.

Our facilitator met up with us for lunch to give some news about our adoption. When the judge looked over the papers today she found some problems. One is that their are two different dates given for Maxim and another is that since we are only the third to adopt from here, they are not used to the US papers and needs the Embassy to send a document before tomorrow. So George, is getting up very early in the morning to drive 3 hours one way to Maxim's birth city to try and fix the problem with the birthdates and get back before court at 2pm. We also need the Embassy to send this form to the judge before court tomorrow. So if you might pray for us on this that would be great.

With this last minute work we rearranged our schedule for tomorrow and went to get Maxim at the institution this afternoon to go get his passport photo taken. While George called the director for permission, in the buzz of everything going on George forgot to tell any of the staff. We had gone in and changed him, taken him out to the vehicle and left before anyone noticed. When we returned there was all kind of excitement but not knowing a word we just stood and smiled. George explained it all to us later...and we had a good chuckle.

Anyway, it was a gift for all of us to see Maxim on his first ride in a "machine" and seeing the city. He's come so far that little guy. He was talking a mile a minute and we wished we knew all he was saying. George conveyed that he was asking lots of questions and wondering all of the details about tomorrow and when would he be leaving, who was going, who was staying, would he be to his new home before the new year? He was kissing our hands and smiling from ear to ear.

One other thing that just makes me SO happy is that he will let Randy carry him. Usually he is very scared of being picked up. None of the kids are carried or held so this was very scary for him but today when Randy carried him on the stairs he trusted him!! When we returned to the vehicle we noticed a small park behind the photo place so we snuck over there for him to have a taste of what a park is like. You would have thought we took him to Disneyland! It was priceless. Soon we had to leave and he was good about it, but for that moment it was so nice to imagine life with him outside of the mental institution. Soon!

Thank you for your prayers through tomorrow for court. We pray that all of these issues are resolved quickly and that Randy and Holden's plans to return to the US can happen as soon as possible. They really need to get home to the kids in the US. This is definitely a marathon.

Love from Eastern Europe,
Tina, Randy and Holden

Day Ten: Getting Comfortable

2010-11-28T09:43:00.003-06:00

Today we brought a little of this and that to try with Maxim and ended up coloring stickers and color sheets.

It wasn't long and he was asking for food again. Today we brought grapes and applesauce and enough juice for all of us to have our own box. When he eats he is first sweet to offer some to us but after that he huddles over his food like a little squirrel does and he plucks and slams those little suckers in his mouth.
He doesn't pay attention to anything going on or being said to him while food is around.

After seeing him gulp so many boxes the other days we decided to play a juice box game where we each took turns taking sips from our box, hoping he would catch on to slowing it down. It went pretty well, Mama, Holden, Papa and Maxim! He kept wanting to skip over Papa- that wait was so hard for him. When he drinks he doesn't breathe, he just sucks and sucks and sucks.... When he finished his he had to check all of our boxes to make sure that none was left.

The whole time I just kept thinking about our hunger and thirst for God. Our longing for Him. I prayed that over Maxim, that He would have a mighty hunger for Jesus.

We had many "joiners" today during our meeting. So many children longing for hugs and kisses. So many clingings to my legs and arms and clothes. It reinforced this message to my heart of being desperate for Christ. Randy and I prayed and blessed each child and told each of them that they were precious gifts. They didn't know what we were saying but I loved it when they tried repeating it. I love to see hope.

Today we took mirrors to many of the children. We planned originally to give to the younger children on their cribs and headboards but when the older orphans saw them they were so enamored and appreciative we realized these were meant for them too.
I handed Beautiful her mirror and some lip gloss. I wish I had a photo of that! She was so very excited. Oh Jesus, please find her a family.

So many children. Not one forgotten by our Father in heaven. Not one. It is his will to place the lonely in families and I am becoming more and more convinced it is not to bless the lonely as much as it is to bless the family.

In His grace and merciful love,
Tina

Day Nine: A Quieter Day

2010-11-27T09:50:00.006-06:00

We had a nice visit today...but it was quieter and maybe a bit heavy on my part. There are many more "Maxim's" here. We've loved being able to see the children and to bless them in very small ways but our thoughts go to how much more they could have. Here is Sveta (too old for adoption) receiving some thick pink Bugs Bunny socks she kept asking for:

Artyom has his own cell phone and even though he doesn't have feet he always meets us at the front, always takes us through the grounds and halls and I see the great purpose work has given to him. He longs for that purpose. Here he is with the guys.

He always tries to take on this tougher older position as he knows his chance at adoption is over. But I still see it in his eyes as he watches us with Maxim. It's that look that says, "what if that were me?" Today before we left I grabbed him and gave him the kind of hug a Mama would give her son and I held him longer. He looked me in the eye with that misty look and then led me down a hall to show me the work he has been doing. Here it is:

As we went to go, some staff started getting on his case and I have a feeling it's because they thought he was taking us away from Maxim. I felt so bad for him... He was having such a sweet moment of encouragement. As I told him molay deitz- Good job on his work, I saw his face beam.

Then I look over and see Beautiful scooting down the hall on her knees and I broke. It feels so wrong to me that she would scoot on all four like a dog down those halls. I admit it, it's just a weaker day for me. Randy had his break lastnight so I guess we are in sync. We know God is good all the time, and we trust Him! His faithfulness to bring us through 4 and a half years to Maxim shows us the lengths he goes to.

There is more that is heavy on our hearts. God knows them all. Please do not read this as something we need relief from, as I think it is a part of loving. Part of caring, part of being moved, part of compassion is feeling broken for the things that breaks God's heart. So in this kind of way, I am thankful that my heart is tender enough to feel this sadness and grief. We are learning thankfulness at deeper levels. This helplessness, leads us to deeper prayer.

When Artyom took us down the hall to show us his work, we went by the room where Maxim was eating from a bowl on a bench. My mind couldn't register that the boy sitting there as an orphan was my son. I wanted to pluck him out. He looked at me with great sadness again. God, please let these days go fast for our boy.

A few more days until court....and then Randy and Holden leave immediately afterwards to head back to Kiev and then to America. Please pray for us leading up to court, in country travel and then on to home.

With love and thankful hearts and arms lifted high,
Tina and Randy and Holden

Day Eight- The Sun Came Out!

2010-11-26T08:50:00.011-06:00

Today was the first time the sun came out and decided to stay so we prepared to take Maxim out for a walk. When he came in the room today he just didn't seem himself...he was missing his famous smile. The caretaker for today said he had a rough morning but we aren't sure what that means.

We know that he was very active yesterday and was bee-bopping all around the place so maybe he expended all of his energy. He was still eager to go outside but walking was more labored and we shortened it a bit.

He likes the kitties almost as much as Mom!

As we rounded back toward the door to go in I saw the serious look in his face. Here it was:

I wish I could know all that was going through his mind. His strength amazes me.

Holden opens the door for us to go back inside...

He cheered back up when we got back inside and realized he didn't have to say goodbye to us just yet. We played a few more rounds of Maxim's Ball Game.

I videotaped music time today and have included it in the movie we made on our Facebook page. I love how he relaxes and his body comes to rest so fast. That is something that took years for Grace. What a blessing. After awhile his eyes started rolling and the yawns came on...we almost had him to sleep until his caretaker came in to take him to lunch. He went better today...

I imagined I would be blogging constantly about the downloads from God...but I feel rendered in an awe state most of the time. There is much I am writing and soaking on in prayer with lots of quiet tears of hope. Watching Randy and Holden be touched moves me as well. Randy has been given an amazing gift of love to reach the brokenhearted and I see it when he is with Maxim. Holden's willingness to be gentle and softer when its needed, and to recognize when it's needed is also beautiful.

Love wins. It just does. There are times it hurts to be weak. It hurts to do the right thing. It sometimes even hurts to do what God call you to, but you are always blessed and you always have the victory in His love. If God has called you to something that feels like the impossible, that will make you a fool for him, trust me, He is setting you up for something GREAT! Our sufferings are temporary but His mercies endure forever!!!

Day Seven- Play and Prayers

2010-11-25T08:50:00.004-06:00

We took mostly video today so not many good photos to share with you, but if you can hop over to my FB page, the video is worth it. :o) Of course, atleast I think so! Mama's so proud!

Today the staff cleared out the therapy room and allowed us to play in there with Maxim all to ourselves. We have loved playing with all of the children but they are so needy and I have a very difficult time turning away from any of them. They all want a Mama and Papa as they say. So today with the exception of Leo who kept scurrying away and sneaking into our room, we had privacy.

This time together really brought out so much more today between Randy and Maxim. They played ball and I don't think you will believe me when I tell you Maxim can hit the ball like baseball, kick the ball like soccer and even pulled out the jump rope and jumped! His coordination is really incredible. He doesn't mind falling down a bit and almost sees it as part of "the deal." He's found his own way to do most things!!

He played so hard today like a monkey- which was fitting since we brought him bananas and he chomped down THREE big ones FAST! LOL! He gets very excited while playing and plays hard too but when I told him it was time to be done he was good about crawling over to us. We pulled out the worship music and he laid across his daddy and looked into my face. His bottom lip started quivering and tears welling as he listened to Misty Edwards sing Fling Wide. As he saw my eyes welling to, he tried to busy himself on the phone...to avoid a cry. in fact, he hasn't cried in front of us yet. It's okay, we want him to know he is safe to do that.

Soon after one of the caretakers came in for him and he seemed even more reluctant this time to going. I think these days stringing together are becoming more painful for him. In the beginning he couldn't wait for these visits, but now I sense he's finding it more difficult to let us go. But he obeyed and I watched him walk down that dark hallway holding on to his caregivers hand as she led him to lunch.

I went in with the bedridden children for a visit for a while afterwards so about 45 minutes later we were readying to leave the institution. We started heading down the stairs when Maxim came barreling out of his room and flying down the hallway to us hollering Mama, Papa. It broke my heart. He grabbed us and hugged us and soon a lady was after him to take him back.

I can't say thank you enough to all of you who donated into our adoption and to making this possible. We praise God and we thank him for you and pray you are so blessed for what you have done in your love for Jesus.

This has not been without great challenge and many tears but God holds them all so dear and he loves us oh so much. We feel that love.

A girl named Beautiful

2010-11-24T10:06:00.004-06:00

I have to share with you the story of a young girl at the institution. I have given her the name of Beautiful for this story because everyday and often she says "Beautiful!" after she nods her head in this sort of I dream of Jeannie blink and nod. It's adorable and we mimic her in love in our days between the three of us. We all love Beautiful.
Here she is:

I wanted to tell her story because her life is precious and she is a gift God has given the world. A gift that needs to be shared. She brings the light of Jesus and hope to many where she lives.

Beautiful has cerebral palsey and cannot walk so she scoots everywhere she goes. She cares for the children younger than her and has taken on a teacher role with them. Like Artyom, she seeks purpose and I see her goal is to bring love to others. In Ukraine, orphans with special needs who are given specific diagnoses are sent to institutions for their life because there is no other place for them to go. Beautiful will not know another place.

She is 16 and will turn 17 (to old for adoption) in a matter of a few months. This has burdened my heart greatly. She is a wise young girl in matters of the heart. Will you please just pray about whether your home and heart might be stretched for children like Maxim and Beautiful? Time is ticking. Please do not read my plea wrong or take anything I say with guilt but these children need voices and I can at the very least be that voice. So today, as you go to sleep, will you please just ask God if adoption is in your future and will you consider giving God your yes, your willingness to go where He sends you?

I had a surprise waiting for Beautiful today. I found a purse and filled it with socks, juice, tissues, juice, fingernail polish and soap. I knew she would be so happy and I longed to see that joy in her face. But wouldn't you know it was Beautiful to surprise me FIRST. She had worked since yesterday putting little beads together into a bracelet for me and tied it on my wrist when I arrived. She then took her bracelet off her own wrist with Jesus on it and placed it on mine. She asked me to please keep it as a reminder of her. Oh if she only knew that I could not forget her. She's been imprinted as a carrier or Christ's love upon my heart. So after her presentation to me, I gave her my gift. Her thankfulness was so beautiful, Randy had it videotaped and we had to share with you. Once again, you need to see it on FB.

Can you be thankful in your circumstances? This is what Beautiful's life forces you to ask yourself. Do you see beauty where you are? Do you take the love God has given to you and do you give it away freely?

Day Six: Puzzle and Kisses

2010-11-24T09:18:00.007-06:00

Maxim is catching on to the routine. First thing he wanted today was food and guess who forgot to bring it? GULP! Thank goodness we did have with us a green grape juice box which was gone in NO TIME! He forgave us. ;o)

Lastnight in the market I found a little foam puzzle of Tom and Jerry and remembered he had seen that cartoon once and loved it. We brought it with us today thinking he'd be thrilled, but soon realized that puzzles aren't his thing. I don't think he's ever done a puzzle before so we took it slow. He didn't pay attention to the pictures on each piece, he was focusing on the slots to put together. After we put together and took a part several times, he began catching on and we celebrated when he began doing it all by himself. There are many things he may not know but he catches on quickly!

George, our facilitator went back to Kiev to submit our documents to SDA which means we are without a translator! YIKES! We have a cell phone to reach him if we need and we are making it just fine but these family visits are a bit more challenging as I know Maxim is asking questions and we are not responding exactly as he may want. He's talking and talking more and more and we just want to know all that he is saying!! Soon and in time.

He's very affectionate with me and quickly warming to Holden but today I would say was the first real obvious day that he is warming to his Papa. He went over to Randy and asked for music. He knew the phone had music on it. So he pulled out some worship music and Maxim laid across Randy's lap while Daddy gently rubbed his back. The smile on his face told it all. He was at peace...in his daddy's arms.

I have another video- again on Facebook only.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement and love. We love hearing from home.

Love you,
Tina

Day Five: Grapes and Fishes

2010-11-23T09:04:00.009-06:00

Each day gets a little sweeter! He came running to me with a big welcoming smile today. He was ready to play.

We found a magnetic fishing set. I wasn't sure how Maxim would take to it and if it would hold his attention for long but we played the same thing for nearly an hour.

One of the things that amazes us about this little boy is that he is so concerned about being fair. Holden had been sitting back and pretty soon he called Holden's name and handed the toy to him. After a while he said, Mama and then later Papa. he wanted everyone to have the same fun he was having. He grips your heart I tell ya.

We took a break after a long time fishing and we surprised him with a tray of green grapes all for himself!

Watching him eat was so comforting for ME!

He had them down in no time but at one point he realized how fast he was pushing them in and stopped himself and then handed each of us our own cluster of grapes to join him.

Then to top it off we pulled out his first ever juice box! It was down in 10 seconds and we didn't even get a photo! LOL It wasn't too long that he stood up and rushed off and when i called his name he didn't stop. He took a crash hitting his face to the ground and then was up and ducked into one of the rooms. When I found him I realized he had to go to the bathroom. Perhaps these new treats for him brought with it some other gifts.

As soon as he was done he came out and went running down the hall back down to where we had been playing and once again BOOM he hit the floor. He really does need a walker and help walking so we will look into that RIGHT AWAY as Mama is about to have a heart attack! The palms/wrists of his hands have developed these large protruding knots from having fallen over and over. It appears he has learned different styles of falling and goes into a roll quite often but he's got a large scabbed over knot on the back of his head I would like to see go away. The one thing I have learned about Maxim is that he will not be held back.

He is such a trooper with saying goodbye each day. I know he is anxious for us to take him with us but he smiles big and waves and goes when he is called. I usually just find myself lost in stares at him...praying and dreaming of him for so many years. This time is here. It's come. God has been so faithful. All of my quiet desires, silent prayers, rolling tears, aching desires have resulted in me here.

My faith is greater than ever. It does not mean we are without trial, but I have seen the goodness of the Lord and his LOVE wrecks me. Such great beauty in the weak.

Day Four: DISCOVERY

2010-11-22T08:57:00.010-06:00

We called this "Discovery Day" for Maxim! We bought him new warm pants, fuzzy thick socks, new shoes, and a shirt and then bundled him up for play time outside. That sounds fun enough but if I told you that he has been outside a hand full of times, you might understand why this was an extra special day for him.

He wanted to walk all by himself with no stroller and what a trooper he is! So determined and joyful.

We didn't go far but I realized just how little he knew of the place he has lived since he was 4 years old. Just outside and feet away he began asking questions of Artyom about the buildings and surroundings he was seeing.

He heard the engine of a car and said, "Machine!" The way he said it made me want to cry really. That he found that sound new and exciting impressed me with how little he has experienced. So discovering we did! He found all of the pigeons quite exciting!

As we made our way around the grounds there was a place to sit and rest for a bit....so we surprised him with his first OREO cookie! Ssshhh! He just about shoved the whole thing in! But he was a good boy and after two he didn't even ask for more. He was just thankful for what he was given. He tried water from a bottle for the first time too and thought that was pretty neat.

Then Dad pulled out the bubbles and he must have thought he was in heaven!

Here he's blowing at the bubbles in the air.

This was such a special day for him! He's such a joy and we are overwhelmed at watching him discover the world. He is so thankful! He humbles me! Here's one more picture of my boys- but missing one of them back home! (We love you Liam!)

SO! Here's the drumroll! We have a COURT DATE! YES! November 30th at 2pm! This is almost a week earlier than we expected although it is exactly what we prayed for! Thank you Jesus!

We love you! Our hearts are FULL!

Day Three: I am so LOVED!

2010-11-22T08:02:00.003-06:00

Maxim has been talking about a cell phone constantly since we came. He dreamt of his own play cell phone. We took it to and all of the other little boys became very excited about it too, so we promised to bring more back for them all to play together with. Here is a photo of Maxim with one of his buddies excited about their new find!
Day three was also a special day because it marked the first day that Maxim came running into my arms and wanted me to rock him and cuddle him. I whispered I love you in Russian in his ears and we rocked for a long time. He loved playing with my hair and saying over and over, Mama, Mama. Once again he asked about when he could leave the institution and come home with us. He is getting anxious.

My heart gets bigger each day.... I have prayed for a way to convey the things we see and experience here. Pictures, video's just cannot convey. I love being here. I absolutely feel Jesus here. If God is the father to the fatherless, most certainly I am in my Father's house where they dwell. Purity, innocence, zest for life, hope all exist here. I thought I would have oh so much time on my hands to blog and write yet I find the day just flies by and when I fall to bed it is fast and hard. I want to end with this video of the first time Maxim came over and crawled into my arms to cuddle but Blogger is not accepting the upload so if you want to see it you will need to go to my FB page. I'm so thankful to have it recorded. Thank you for the love and prayers....we feel them.

Day Two

2010-11-21T09:53:00.007-06:00

We took cars and a playmat and he loved them of course. Some good boy time with Daddy and Holden and his friend. I was a happy mommy looking on!

First Meeting

2010-11-20T12:13:00.007-06:00

We traveled by train 12 hours to region and then another 2 hours to city before we met the inspector. Looking rather ragged, we were in good spirits and a bit of adrenaline rush to get to our boy. The inspector was so nice and really liked us as well so within 30 minutes she joined us to go out to the institution. She had to observe Maxim and our interactions with eachother to make a favorable approval to begin the adoption process locally.

As we were ushered down several hallways, many faces came and went and I wondered when I would see him. We came into a room to find him sitting there on a couch by himself. His eyes were wide, like a deer in headlights. Not long before we arrived, he was told his Mama and Papa were coming for him. Being the third family to adopt here in it's over 50 year existence, children are not expecting to hear this kind of news.

After the meeting, the inspector came to us and said she was amazed to see such a boy as Maxim in this institution. She had tears in her eyes and began working in her free time to gather all of the necessary papers so we can go to the judge hopefully as soon as Monday.

Maxim is doing better than we could even imagine. He is TINY for 9 1/2 years but he is not weak. Some of the questions he had for us was if we had a refrigerator and food at our house. He particularly wants green grapes. Do we have a car? Cats, dogs? He was overjoyed to hear we had pets! AND, we presented the photo album to him of his new family and at the front I had some pictures from when I first met him. He just stared at them then kissed them and then told our translator that he remembered. It was a most beautiful first meeting although overwhelming for him for sure. He hugged each of us calling us Mama, Papa and brother. Perhaps his one struggle is a few close friends there one in particular he is close to. He is 17, no feet and cleft palate but he does EVERYTHING include teach and care Maxim. He is pictured below with Holden and Maxim. It's hard to believe he is 17.

Thank you for your prayers! We appreciate them oh so much! Love you, Tina, Randy and Holden

We're Here!

2010-11-17T07:55:00.010-06:00

I'm sorry for the long delay in posting an update. We arrived safe and sound and really not one hitch along the way. Many of you know that from the very beginning of our first adoption to Grace it was one snag after another and I was reminder to becareful not to focus on that but on what God is doing. We've been anticipating blessings and thankful for whatever God shows us each moment and our hearts are full.

We sat next to the Russian hockey team coming over from the US and got a "taste" of the culture we were arriving to. Holden enjoyed that I think. There was one woman from the states on our international flight who just happened to be heading over to Lithuania to adopt two boys so we enjoyed exchanging stories and tears.

A great surprise came at the in country airport. The last few times I was interrogated fairly extensively about our luggage. This time we literally breezed through- basically unspoken to. It was incredible. As we slipped out of security and out to the main area I saw Sveta standing with our names on a sign and a long stem beautiful red rose waiting for me. As we greeted she hugged me and I knew God had arranged the perfect team to care for us.

As we arrived to our apartment in downtown, George our facilitator awaited for us. He was warm and jovial, hugging us and laughing. I just thanked God one more time for providing us not only with capable people, but people with hearts, joy and love of God. To be honest, nothing is the same this time as it was with our first adoption. Granted, we are only a few days in and we know we have a ways to go but it seems to only get better.

Yesterday, we met up with George at a restaurant and began discussing the institution where our son is at. He told us stories of how the director has been working hard to help this place and we were overjoyed as the conditions I knew of first hand were absolutely heartbreaking. So we are just excited to arrive and see for ourselves. During our conversation at the restaurant, the director called to our facilitator and once again we were met with a big welcome. They are anticipating our arrival! (Although our boy knows nothing about our coming.) It feels so good to be welcomed and to be trusted as often that isn't the case. We see blessings and favor.

Here we are waiting outside our appointment.

This morning while most of you were sleeping, we had our appointment with the psychologists to go over our son's profile and to ask us many questions. We brought with us before and after photos of Grace and as always people here are amazed at what time and love can do for a child. We had a much more extensive questioning than we had expected as they do not understand why we would want to add stress to our lives by adding a child with problems. As we described the joy and blessings of our family I could see a softening and smile. The local prosecutor has spread rumors that international adopting families live in mansions and decide to adopt so they can come clean and be slaves in our homes so it has caused lots of questioning of prospective adoptive parents. We were happy to visit with them and it was a pleasant exchange.

Here we are with sweet George. He is just precious. His cup is full of thanks.

I think we had prepared to hear that our son was orphaned at birth of his special needs. In fact we had hoped that we might even be able to find his birth parents later to thank them for the gift of his life. We weren't really ready to hear his difficult first year of life and all that he has endured at their hands. We do not plan to look for them now. I cannot shared details in this venue but please continue prayers over him as the enemy must be screaming at what is happening to free him. With the hustle and bustle and body adjustments I know it hasn't full hit me the words I heard today and I suppose many tears and prayers are to follow in this regard but it reinforces to Randy and I the plan God has. I am not only filled up in thanks about becoming his mother but I feel a real sense of honor to be entrusted with his beautiful life. I will become a faucet as I begin to imagine the years to follow for him...

I will share details of his life with friends not to "out" him but because of the testimony he holds. (There is power in testimony!) At this time however, because this is a public venue we will be keeping many things private.

Tomorrow we receive the official referral and make our way to his region by train, not bus now...first to the inspectors office for permission to visit him and then we go! It will most likely be Friday before we see him. While time has flown incredibly fast it seems to tinker slowly as I wait to see him. This anticipating is getting intense the closer we get. I suppose it is like when labor with Rainan got to the time to push. I now await that rush of tears as I laid my eyes on her for that very first time. There is no joy greater in a mommy's heart than to see the face of her baby. Randy and I really feel very much the same way. Randy said to me a bit ago- "I'm about to meet my son! Can you believe that?" WOW!

Many of you have been asking about Holden! He is having a blast! I wondered how he would handle the constant walking and hurry up and wait and errand running but he has been perfect. He found a local "Papa John's" to eat at and declared it the very best pizza ever and we located McDonald's today for lunch. I am trying to prepare him that where we are going will be quite different...no Mc D's around. He's like a sponge learning about the history and culture of this place. We are just a block from beautiful cathedrals and Independence Square. His only assignment on this trip is to journal what he sees and learns each day to document his trip for a life long memory. He's taken to making movies in his spare time- comedy appears to be the genre he is shooting for. He is a joy for Randy and I to have with us. To watch him learn is so special but its what he will learn spiritually in a few days and it is the way his heart will be touched that excites Randy and I the most. We know God has big things on this trip for Holden.

George showing us around

Holden discovers the market!

Holden and I at the pizza joint

Please pray for our health, our rest, and our travels to region. We also are very hopeful to continue having internet access so we can skype with the kids back home. Please pray for Randy's mom who has the challenge of caring for Grace. While she has a sweet spirit, she does have special needs that require constant supervision and that can be a stretch for anyone. Liam desperately wishes he was with us and we pray for his love tank to be filled. Rainan has been a doll we hear and that she is just goin' with the flow.

We still pinch ourselves as we look at what miracles God has done from beginning in the summer of 2006 to now. Watching our adoption funds pour in at the last minute was like balm to us and a reminder that God does not leave us.

Some practical tips for those traveling soon....

We packed with us tons of bags of oatmeal and hot chocolate packets that travels quite nicely to save on cost of breakfast (and in our case perhaps even dinner).

For ladies, the new dry shampoo's are INCREDIBLE and a lifesaver when you cannot shower.

FLUSHABLE WET WIPES- that's all I am saying. :o)

We love you and pray for each of you! We can't wait to share with you our next update AFTER we meet our boy! We'd love to hear from "home" so comment when you can.

Tina, Randy and Holden

To our babies back home, WE LOVE YOU and can't wait to see you! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Chip In Added

2010-10-20T15:23:00.002-05:00

Today we have added a Chip In to our blog to make it easier to donate. We are expecting to receive notice of our appointment sometime next week and will have about 10 days to 2 weeks before travel. We still need approximately $5,300 before then.

If you donate to Maxim, you will need to put "preference Kacirek adoption" in the comment area.

Beautiful Hope

2010-10-13T11:52:00.005-05:00

I've been praying for that small possibility that we would receive photos of Maxim to give us ANY idea of how he has been dealing with life in the mental institution. On Sunday morning right as we got settled in the van for the long drive to church, I heard the ding on my phone letting me know a message had come. I had no idea the delight I was to experience! These are some of the photos I received!

The mark on his face was not there before so I am not sure what it is or what caused it. I recognize these pants and socks from the photo I received of him two years ago. To see him walking holding onto someone....WOW! My heart just keeps leaping!

I want to encourage intercession for these children! When I had to leave him in 2006 and had no idea if I would see him again I began praying a prayer that was lit with fire by God. I never stopped.

Just this morning I received news from Ukraine that our documents WERE submitted and no more paper troubles. SO thankful not to go back to our social worker or to the secretary of state's office. Now we wait for that appointment date. We were told it could be a couple of weeks before we receive notice and then a couple of weeks after that to be in Kiev.

We have about $6,300 to raise. I have now made our blog private as we begin sharing more intimate details. We've chosen privacy so that we can be candid about what we are experiencing in Ukraine.

With love to each of you, Tina

Mission to Maxim update

2010-10-03T21:20:00.004-05:00

I will save all of details and just say that while we had all of our documents sent to Ukraine already, we were told to redo some pieces. I will withold my thoughts on this but you probably could guess. :o) Once again the delays meant to frustrate and distract persist, yet God prevails. We were able to redo our papers in a matter of days and I personally drove them to the secretary of state's office in Little Rock myself for apostilling and then straight to the Fedex office. They are due to arrive in Kiev tomorrow!

This week is important and we would so covet your prayers! Prayers for favor with officials, speedy expediting of submission and receival of appointment date.

Because of this hold up, it will of course affect our travel date pushing it farther out. Again, while it's not what we'd prefer, we are trying to rest in knowing that God is coordinating and shifting in the heaven's. This does give us more time to raise the funds needed to bring Maxim home.

Today we have received a commitment of $1,000 which will put us at needing to raise a little over $6,500 more. PRAISE!

Some sad news and huge prayer request:

Some friends of ours, Lee and Jennifer Bray, came to us a couple of weeks ago feeling led to hold a concert fundraiser for Maxim. They had decided to hold it out in the country on their acreage. Last Friday morning, Lee went out to clear out two trees that were blocking an entry way so that more parking area could be made for the event. He was atop an 18 foot ladder when he lost balance and fell. Praise God, as he began falling head first he flipped back and landed on his feet, shattering both heels and pushing them up into his ankles severely damaging them. He also broke his right wrist and a vertebrae in his midback. He went in for surgery right away that day but these next weeks will be filled with rehab and much care will be needed for the Bray family. Will you please keep them in your prayers and if you feel led to help them in anyway, we will be happy to let you know specifics on how to do that so please just email me.

Thank you for your continued prayers and advocacy for Maxim!

With love,
Tina

Stairway to Heaven

2010-10-03T19:46:00.002-05:00

The other night I found myself once again at 2 in the morning up and praying. As I would finish a prayer it streamed into another and another and soon I saw a vision in my minds eye. It wasn't visible as in an open vision but I knew this was the Holy Spirit sharing something important.

I saw stairs with children filing upward. There were lamp posts along the way and at the top a doorway with the brightest light shining through. The children, I knew, were not dying and entering heaven....they were going to meet their heavenly Father. Soon the door began closing and the lamp posts went dark. I couldn't see the children anymore but I knew they had to be there. I asked God what he was showing me. I asked God why He shut the door and dimmed the lights. My heart heard, "I didn't." And then I realized that we were the lamp posts and we led the children to their Father. We meaning, the body of Christ.

I began crying with great sadness as I realized that many within the Body of Christ have learned about God, yet never met their Abba Daddy. 2 Cor. 6:18 They haven't yet realized the fullness of what it means to be a son and daughter of Father God. We can have the desire to help the hurting and we can even move into action but if we haven't ourselves joined in relationship with Him, it's quite difficult to bring others to Him. We become like the Israelites wandering around in the desert.

May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you (Father God) sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. John 17:23-25

If we have met judgment when we needed mercy, if we've been kicked when we needed a hug, if we have been lied to, abused, used and discarded on earth and if those who were to protect us were themselves a part of our pain, it can be quite difficult to imagine a Daddy in Heaven who could love us. The orphan does not know to whom they belong. How many within the Body does not know that not only did Jesus come to die for their sins, but also to have intimate, personal relationship with a living and true Father God who has loved them from before their conception.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 1 John 3:1

Ministering to the orphan, is not just about physical rescue or adoption in the usual sense of the word, but it means we ourselves have met the Father and we are the lamp posts who stand at the doorway. As we walk in intimacy with Him, receiving his comfort, his love, his mercy and flow in his grace, we can extend it. Not because we are talented, but because we have received Him. You give what you have received!

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Cor. 1:2-4

Our lights grow dim if we rely on flesh or move in wrong motives or fear. (Perfect love casts out fear.) But if we walk in our spirit of sonship, receiving His love, we are promised His blessings. It's a great exchange. He takes the pain, We receive his fullness. That fullness IS OUR LIGHT! It leads others to Him. That's orphan ministry.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. Ephesians 1:3

Rainan 17 months

2010-09-05T15:51:00.021-05:00

I am always ready to go BYE BYE and I say it a lot too!

I am a hard worker!

I am ON THE GO!

The most important thing to know about me is that I am LOVED!

Rainan is a hebrew name and it means joyous. My middle name is also Joy. Mama calls me Joy Joy Bean!

I'm SO BIG!

Now that's FUNNY!

Oh my goodness!

Wanna hold me?

Hey, you're cute!

Whatcha doin' there?

Look what my brothers do to me!

I'm learning too!

Don't Pop the Love Balloons

2010-09-05T14:01:00.005-05:00

It's very difficult to explain to people the challenges that Grace has because they are not visible. One of the many hurdles for Randy and I is explaining to her concepts that are abstract in nature...feelings, reading social cues, recognizing right from wrong. Things that other children can "read", she cannot. While she is almost 8 years old, she is academically closer to 4.5 and emotionally much like a toddler. And while she can speak now very close to her true age, her own understanding of her words are not there. So although she is able to say something, doesn't mean she can know the depth of what she is saying. You can imagine that for parents of children with FAS it can take incredible time and efforts and prayer to find a tool that will work to convey even a simple idea. Simple to us, that is.

This morning I found myself once again on her bed in her room trying to talk with her about her emotions and feelings and how her actions affect others. Words such as love, joy, peace, faith,not nice,sad,good ...these words do not absorb into her brain although they may her spirit. (I have spoken many times to parents about speaking to your child's spirit over their brain.) But this morning internally I prayed to God and I said, "Lord I am not walking out of this room one more time until she "gets" what I am saying." Call it determination, stubbornness, whatever you will, I believe God heard it and blessed me. "Give it to me God, unleash it. I need you now God!" I wasn't angry, not even in tears. I just wasn't going to settle for anything less than God in this situation. I wasn't going to pull out a parenting book or look up FAS on the computer or in my research library one more time. I only wanted to hear what my Father in heaven had to say and I needed it then.

Without thought, honestly, WITHOUT THOUGHT, words poured out of my mouth that landed on her in a way only God could do. I want to share this with you who are also parents of children with FAS or difficulties processing abstract ideas. I want to share with those of you who don't know what to do, who fumble over your own words and grasp at straws. God hears, and he will give you the words to speak when you have none to say. Our boldness to connect to the weak, oppressed and needy will rock the heavens because it is what God cares about.

If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noon day. Isaiah 58:10

So here's the story:

Grace there were two girls. One girl had in her hand a huge bouquet of big bright pink balloons. They were absolutely beautiful. This little girl also had a big smile and liked to laugh a lot. She wanted to give her balloons to other people so they would be happy and smile and laugh a lot too. There was another girl. She didn't have any balloons. She did not have a smile on her face and she did not laugh a lot. She wanted to but she did not have any balloons.

One day the two girls were walking at the park and came upon eachother. The girl with balloons went to the girl who did not have a balloon and reached out to give it to her. The girl without a balloon had never met anyone with balloons before and while she wanted that balloon very much, she did not know this girl with this smile and laugh. It was scary. She did not know what to do so she popped the balloon and ran away.

That night the girl without a smile and laugh thought a lot about the balloon girl. She really wanted to take the balloon and she even dreamed about those balloons. The next day the girl without a smile went back to the park to see if the balloon girl was there. She was. Balloon girl came over again and little girl without a smile wanted to be strong and take the balloon but as balloon girl got closer and extended her hand, the girl without a smile got scared and popped the balloon AGAIN. This time she was really sad because she wanted that balloon so much. She cried all the way home.

That night she thought about it again and THIS time she thought about the smiles and laughs of the little girl and how something changed. That girl didn't seem to smile as much anymore. The next day the girl without a smile went to the park again. Balloon girl was there but she didn't come over to the girl without a smile. She went to the other children but wouldn't come over to her. The girl without a smile and laugh did not know what to do and went home again.

Grace looked at me. "That is sad." "It is, Grace. Sometimes mommy feels like the girl with balloons. I want to give you balloons but you keep popping them."

Grace UNDERSTOOD! "I don't want you to stop giving me balloons mom." "I won't Grace, I replied, But will you be careful with the balloons I give to you? They are special and they break easily. When that happens my smile goes away."

We were able to continue the conversation along this line and it led into a discussion about her taking more of the balloons from me so she could give them to other children without smiles and laughs.

This conversation was not only in a context she could grasp but it was a safe way for her to talk about her feelings of insecurity and it gave her words to feelings she could not otherwise express accurately. We closed the conversation with her not only feeling understood, but she TOOK THE LOVE BALLOON I WAS EXTENDING TO HER through our conversation.

She said, "I am going to hug you even when no one is looking. And tonight when I go to bed, I am going to take your balloon with me and I won't pop it!" I let her know I wouldn't pop hers either.

Some Special Summer Memories

2010-08-26T22:00:00.014-05:00

This summer we were surprised with a blessing to go to Branson. It was short but so sweet and refreshing for all of us to just go and play outside of our usual stomping grounds.

What will I Find?

2010-08-26T07:12:00.004-05:00

I've spent so much time praying for this one boy. I looked into his eyes many years ago and spoke words to him. I told Maxim I would do all that I could to make him an orphan no longer and make him my own if God would allow it. I never forgot as God embedded this child in my heart in a moment and sealed him there. But as beautiful as that moment may have been and as life marking it was for me, it was over 4 years ago and they were words breathed to a child who could only feel me, not understand me.

The last few months have been overwhelming....so much that it seems only now as we come around the bend into what appears to be the final sprint until we leave to go back for him that I am just now flooding with thoughts of what I will do when I see him. Will he remember my face? Will he wonder what took me so long? He's 9 now...not the four year old I met. I pray that at the moment God touched my heart, he impressed Maxim's with mine...that he might know me by heart if by no other way.

I remember all too well the little bodies I held there; the time in isolation and little nourishment had wasted what was once life. Their skin and eyes told a story their mouths could not speak. And these are places I just cannot go to in my mind. I already know what I can expect to see but can I see Maxim like this? Father, prepare my heart to see things I may not want to see. Give me courage and strength to see pain and respond in your grace that brings joy to his heart.

I long to return, don't get me wrong. Standing amongst these children may very well be the holiest place I could be. Weak, poured out, clinging to hope, innocent.....how something so beautiful can exist within a place so obviously not compatible with life may very well be a miracle in itself. Father God, revive the hearts of these children and continue to embed hearts, sealing them with your love that sustains...that cannot be stolen.

Long awaited update on our Adoptions

2010-08-05T10:49:00.003-05:00

Friends,

I apologize for the very long wait for an update....here it is!

For Dolly, we had finished all of our papers for her dossier and had them sent in to the agency only to find out we needed some more items apostilled. We got them sent off and then all of them returned because one of the items was not notarized. I don't know HOW that sl.ipped through! So we got that fixed and sent back and NOW have all of the papers sent back to our agency. I can't imagine another delay....it's felt painfully long.

A blessing to count however is that we have received photos and even several video's of Dolly and she looks amazing! I know many of you have prayed for her and have a special place in your heart for her so that will do your heart good to hear. She is very slow and deliberate in her movements...not too slow..just shows more of her personality. When the other kids are crying she sort of looks at them like, "really now, is it that bad?" She is feeding herself and we were able to see how they are caring for her special needs. She has a wheelchair and goes fast! She looks very much like our baby Rainan. While the wait for her has been so very long it seems, we just love knowing that she is in a place that cares for her and loves Jesus.

We are looking at a likelihood of late spring/summer 2011 to travel for Dolly girl.

Our Maxim update! We have made a new friend who has adopted from the same institution that Maxim is at and she sent us a couple of photos from two years ago. It was such a blessing to see him. I don't have it posted here yet because I do not permission just yet but I will once I know I can. :o) Any photos is a blessing since where he is staying is very needy and many of the children do without much food or care at all. The photos help to see how he is doing. He was in the bedridden room when i was there in 2006 but I don't know if that is the case now. I am praying for someone to be able to update us on how he is doing until we can get there.

We have our I-600A submitted as of July 21st and we have received our notice of action so we wait now. On the good side, we have already fingerprinted so we won't have to do that again so hopefully this will save us more time. We'd love to get submitted around the same time as some friends of ours here locally who are adopting a child with special needs from the same country too. Our fundraising journeys have been interlinked so it'd be pretty cool to travel the same time as well although we will be in different regions.

Our prayer is to travel this year yet. Randy has saved his vacation days (oh how we need a vacation day!) and we need to use them this year especially in light of the fact he will need next years vacation days to travel for Dolly's adoption. This time would also be wonderful to get Maxim settled in and get his medical needs started before we Dolly's adoption.

As far as fundraising goes, we have about $9,500 for Maxim as of now (I need to update the ticker for accuracy) and we need $22,000 total. We know it's taken care of and we make every focus of prayer to cement that truth to our hearts in faith when that number just seems overwhelming. We aren't focusing on Dolly's adoption costs yet but we know that will be right around the corner as well. We still need to raise another $4,000 for her in country fees which we have to send when her country sends us approval and travel date. And then we will need to raise the funds for travel and staying there for two weeks. God knows all of those details.

I seem to have developed this habit lately of looking at everything and assigning orphans to it. Driving down the road I look at a vehicle..."Hmm....I could adopt two children with that car." You get the idea. :o) What a blessing this time has been on our family and especially our children as they give and learn more about sacrifice for greater things- ETERNAL blessings. I know that at anytime God can cause the rain to pour and all of the funds covered in an instant. But for us God has blessed us by teaching us to trust Him every moment for just the amount we need at the moment we need it. His goodness has been shown to us time and again and through many of you. We can't even begin to thank each of you for the prayers you have lifted up on our behalf.

We do ask that you would continue to pray for Dolly and Maxim. Specifically for Maxim that he is being fed and that the Lord would supernaturally heal him and protect his mind and body. He has had no education and has been placed in one of the most poor and lacking places I have seen on earth. He is 9. There will be much he will need when he comes home. We know this and pray God's providence and grace over all of these needs. We already rejoice at the thoughts of his homecoming and all that that represents...

We pray each of you are blessed for the ways you have shown love and support to our family.

With love,
Tina

God's preparation/Our response

2010-07-06T10:59:00.006-05:00

This weekend God used some instances to cause me to ponder more deeply this call to not only adopt but to advocate and rescue the least of the least.

My mom and I were driving along the interstate having a small chat about where we should go for our Saturday lunch. This was a day for a break. I planned for no work, no phone calls to return. This was going to be free time. In a beat, we found ourselves pulled to the side of the road and me running down into thick brush where a man had flown off and into the ditch. I don't remember thinking. I don't remember taking a time of discussion with my mom about what to do next. She pulled over and I was gone....just like that.

Thank God the man, named Hugo, had on his seat belt and besides some cuts and a little shock he was able to climb out of his crunched up truck and walk up the embankment. Without thinking of anyone around me I was looking him over, checking him for cuts and talking with him as he tried to process what just happened. I explained to him that his tire blew out and pointed to it on the road. He stood dazed. I prayed over him and waited until I knew the right people who could take over were there.

Yesterday, I was driving home alone in my prayer time when I looked into the distance about 1 mile. Where I was it was sunny and no rain....but in a short distance I saw a downpour and I knew that in a moment if I continued down this road I would go right into it. I could pull over and stop or turn around and go another way and avoid the downpour if I wanted. This was an unusual rain....it was isolated and not moving.

Life can be both ways. Sometimes in an instant we are find ourselves doing things we never imagined. We appear somewhere doing something and we wonder how it happened. Like with Hugo. 10 seconds before he was in the ditch he never would have imagined himself there...and likewise I wouldn't have guessed I'd be running after him. Like Grace, she came into our lives unexpected. We thought we were adopting a healthy little boy but God walked us into an orphanage infirmary to meet a very sick and withdrawn girl. He presented her to us and the only question left was, what will we do?

Other times we can see the storm ahead.... We see where we are standing and it looks pleasant. Why would we go into that storm? Why would we ASK for something difficult, time consuming, and maybe painful at times? This was like Maxim. We've already seen. We've been down this road before. Why would we do it AGAIN? I don't want to find myself going through life only helping Hugo or Grace if forced to. I want to be fully positioned in my faith to see the storm and walk in knowing that on the other side is freedom for someone.

I used to believe that I had to be really strong or really smart to do anything. But God has continued to show me that it really has very little to do with me at all. Every step with Grace has been His grace. And every step with Maxim and Dolly will be His grace as he has given us with all of our children. I am not interested in rescue for the sake of rescue. Not for good deeds or paying it forward even. I really only want to extend the only thing that has saved this girl. God's love. If not for His mercy, His love and grace I would be dead.

There was a day my car flew into the ditch but I didn't have my seatbelt on. Someone came to my rescue too and God poured his grace on me to heal me and allow me to walk again. Sometimes we aren't prepared for those things the world throws at us and sometimes we don't think we are prepared for those things God presents us with either. But truth is, I've never felt incredibly polished and "on top of things." Often I feel like I am chasing a list of things that need to be done. But if for one moment I sat and stared at those things as the prerequistes for doing what God calls me to do, then I would have hung it up long ago. It's never been about me and it's not about you either!

His plan is not for us to stare at the worldly things and the excuses of why we can't do what he has asked of us. Colossians 3 says to set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. And Zechariah 4:6 says; "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit," says the Lord. Our faith, our strength, all of our abilities are His unleashed through us when we say "YES!" to His will.

Randy and I are not trying to save the world. We only want to know that with all that we are, all that God would put inside of us of His goodness, with all of our resources, we followed Him right into the storm whether that storm was one we saw coming or not. We know there is no place He will call us to, that He isn't already there. And there is no thing he will call us to do, that He will not put inside of us the strength for. For no great thing that God would call you to do are you going to be able to do on your own!

"I pray that out of His glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and Christ Jesus throughout all the generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 16-20

The Battlefield

2010-05-16T18:41:00.005-05:00

There are days that arise like the one this last weekend. They are filled with tears and prayers. My tears are of a mother who so longs to hold her children. They are the tears of a mother who knows that one of her children has endured much suffering. On these days it helps to talk to Dolly and Maxim so far away. While they can't hear me, I ask Father to speak to their little spirits and impart to them the love I cannot give them. He can give them everything they need, more than I am able. I ache to hold them, to feed them, to love them. On these days I can feel so small, like an ant. The world feels large and me so helpless.

Some of the deep pain I was experiencing was rejection. I was feeling the pain of rejection Maxim and Dolly have felt in their spirits. We began to experience this rejection ourselves. We've been unfriended and ignored and disapproval shown in ways like deafening silence. It blessed Randy and I as we realized our beginning walk on the lonely road of redemption for the fatherless. The Lord began speaking to our hearts in intimate ways about his own grief and rejection. Whatever rejection we receive is nothing to what Jesus endured. We embrace this as precious growth for our own hearts and opportunities to love our enemies and forgive. We reflected on the pain of the Fathers heart as he looked down on the cruel death of His son, the Redeemer.

My sweet Daddy in heaven gave me these words to meditate on:

You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees.
Though the arrogant have smeared me with lies, I keep your precept with all my heart. Their hearts are callous and unfeeling, but I delight in your law. It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold. Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands. May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word. I know Lord, that your laws are righteous,and in your faithfulness you have afflicted me. May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I might live, for your law is my delight. Psalm 119:68-77

Part of the battle is being willing to be afflicted. Wow! This was difficult for me to embrace. My flesh screams OUCH! We are called to walk the road but we thank God that this battle is not ours. It's our call and it's our walk but the battle belongs to the one who goes before us, the One who prepares the way, the One who breaks chains and frees the slave.

This is what the Lord says to you: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Go out to face them and the Lord will be with you. 2 Chronicles 20:15;17

We praise you Jesus for the lives of children! They are blessings!

There is a saying that goes something like this.... On the day you were born there was much crying and rejoicing...live your life in such a way that when you die, you leave others with much crying and rejoicing... I am certain I butchered it. Someone posted it the other day and I was struck square in the face with the fact that hundreds of millions of children WERE NOT born to rejoicing parents. 150 million children are alone, starving, enslaved. God forgive us for not caring and for sitting blindly by as we pass judgment on others. "It's not our fault. We didn't do this." "That's messy and ugly." "We'd have to give up our THINGS." "We can't adopt. We like to travel too much." "Kids like that you might have to care for forever." "Don't post those pictures. Those are not for children to see."

Who will go? HERE I AM LORD!

So if I lose friends, Jesus BLESS THEM and LET THEM KNOW YOU LOVE THEM! If my family rejects me, Jesus touch their hearts and fill them with your everlasting love and grace! But Father, if there is one thing I ask it is to be found faithful. Through tears I cry, enlarge my heart and afflict me! Burden me with the love you have for the lost that I might never become numb to the cries of the hurt and broken.

Our Adoption Announcement

2010-05-06T12:08:00.010-05:00

This journey we have been walking on, in search of justice and restoration of the orphan has taken us along new pathways of discovery into the deeper love our heavenly Father has for his children, his creation. Randy and I are ministered to as we see the relentless and pursuing love Christ has for his children. We have been moved by his mercy and the grace that comes from living within his design for our life. It is not without trials and daily recommitment of our hearts and minds to his plan. (Romans 5:1-3, 2 Cur. 12:9) We are amazed the weaving of this plan and those innermost desires he plants within our hearts. (Psalm 37:4)

So many of you followed our journey to Grace in Ukraine in 2004 and have seen the transformation in her life. I remember so vividly our pediatrician (whom we love!) admitting to me a few years after Grace had been with us that she had been afraid for us after meeting Grace for the first time. FAS and the institution had weighed heavily on Grace and it was apparent to our doctor. I’ll never forget her looking at me and saying, I don’t know what to do to help her but I will sign anything you want for you to take her for the best help. We have been grateful at her honesty and humility. Well, the best help is the only true Healer- Jesus Christ! Unprepared and ill-equipped ourselves to “reach” her, God used this time to bring us to our knees. Like Hannah dedicated Samuel, we had to release the burden we felt inside to heal Grace ourselves. We have never known relinquishment as we have with her. She is his and he knows every facet of her. (Psalm 139:15-16)

We continue to work on many areas of difficulty such as judgment/reasoning/listening/visual perception/memory/auditory processing. With that said, she is gentle natured (most of the time- smiley face!), vulnerable, relationship oriented, loving, and is drawn to worship by the Holy Spirit. It is our prayer that she is so connected to her heavenly Father that it doesn’t matter what her brain understands, she will know Truth by her spirit! (Mark 5:34) This is true for all of us. It doesn’t matter what we can do, but it matters that we are poured out of ourselves that we might be filled up with the One who can do all. Grace is my constant reminder that with God all things are possible. God chooses the weak things, the lowly things, those despised by the world and he transforms! (1 Cor. 1:28-31)

And so now the journey continues to Dolly, our beautiful leader on the other side of the world. We already sense in our spirit that this girl will not be held back. Spina bifida does not seem to faze her. She is a warrior! We are moved once again as we have seen God provide just the amount we have needed at just the right time. When a payment was due, we would look in the account and see that within dollars, we had the funds to pay.

The update on our adoption process for Dolly is that we have about $3,200 left plus travel costs ($2,000 per person airfare + lodging)! We are almost there! So many of you ask when she will be joining our family. Because her country processes a very small number of adoptions per year and they have had some challenges with changing over to the new Hague laws, they are working through some things administratively. We are told to expect 9 months from the time of submittal of our dossier. That time should start mid-summer with most likely a spring/summer 2011 travel. We are thankful that she is in a Christian orphanage and receiving love and eating well! Oh how I long to show you updated photos of her! We have signed an agreement not to release any information about her real name, where she lives or photos. If you visit with us in person we would love to show you the hard copy photos we have so just ask! :o)

And so now, onto the reason for this letter:

In 2006, I was able to travel to Ukraine to work with caregivers of two orphanages and one mental institution regarding feeding issues with the children as it relates to failure to thrive (from lack of attention). This had been our initial greatest challenge upon bringing Grace home. Her body so shutdown, we needed to get nourishment in her! This opportunity allowed me to spend time in the bedridden rooms at Torez mental institution feeding the children. Children with special needs (such as FAS, cerebral palsey, spina bifida, Down Syndrome, epilepsy- just to name a few) are sent here to live. Several of them die within the first year. In the baby houses (up to age 4) the children receive a better care and while it may still be considered substandard to the US it is eons above what happens (or doesn’t happen) in the mental institution.

I met teenagers the size of 4 year olds- still in cribs, their legs curving from the Rickets that had set in. I was able to brush away the flies from a ten year old girls eyes as she lay dying, the size of an infant. I was blessed to kiss and hug children who were mesmerized with me as if an angel had walked into the room. I felt honored to be standing in the presence of great purity. God’s most precious; the oppressed orphan. The Lord is very serious and clear about the treating of the fatherless and I stood amongst complete violation as I watched roses being tended to outside the window only to glance over at a child lying in waste. (Psalm 68:5) God spoke to my heart that day, that this was not the end of our calling. There would be more. At the time, I thought it meant an ongoing relationship with this place.

I met one boy that I knew had changed my life forever. His name is Maxim and you can see me with him here. He was four in this photo and had only been here for a month. Maxim has cerebral palsey. He was vibrant and filled with joy and in a way God can only do, I felt like he was mine. We inquired about adopting him but the director said no adoptions were occurring

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones. Proverbs 15:30

from the institution and none of these children were registered. My heart sank at the thought of his whole life being spent here.
As I went from room to room and saw the children sitting and rocking in corners or running to me in hallways just to touch my hair or hug me, I was overwhelmed with that fact that in the midst of such despair, many of these children still had hope. I was brought back to my little world and how such small irritants in my life can cause me to become frustrated: A car breakdown, another broken appliance, a build up of to-do’s. I felt so trivial and shallow in that moment. Could it be that these kids, in their warped environment, actually know what is most important? I had to wonder. After our visit was completed, it was time to say good bye and you can tell from the look on my face, I wasn’t ready to let go.

I vowed to Maxim and to God at the time of this photo that I would come back for him if he ever showed me it was possible. I took video and photos of our time together and have kept them nearby. For the last four years I have prayed faithfully for Maxim and the other children in Torez.

About a month ago, I felt drawn into a deep place of prayer and began having many pregnancy dreams. I heard in my spirit that I needed to withdraw from usual business and seek some deeper time with the Father. I found myself crying a lot for the things breaking God’s heart. I believed at the time God was calling me to deeper intercession for others and that he was preparing us for something to do with Grace Haven. I couldn’t put words to what I was feeling internally. Randy knew that something was stirring in me. On April 12th, Grace Haven had a Light for the Way Adoption Night and still I wasn’t myself. Instead of wanting to stand up and talk about the orphan the way I love to, I felt my mouth being buttoned shut, as the move of God felt closer than ever. This same persistence of getting away with the Father was heavy on me. (Matthew 14:23)

Two days later I received a posting on Reece’s Rainbow in my emails about a little girl with special needs in Bulgaria whose adoptive parents had backed out and they needed to find a family soon. I knew that she was not mine, that God had not called us to her, and yet I found myself clicking on the link posted on my cell phone. As the link pulled up, my finger touched the screen and sent the page scrolling. When it stopped, my heart came up into my throat as my eyes landed on this photo. This is Maxim today! He will be 9 on May 21st. He bears striking resemblance to my father as a child. Our prayers for him have been answered- he is registered! He is still smiling and his eyes are shining with life.

Immediately Randy and I began praying and fasting. God, how can we possibly go after him when we are in the midst of adopting Dolly? It seems so much! With both joy and being overwhelmed we needed to hear God above all else. I see now why He had been drawing me into such a place of prayer for a while. I would need to hear His voice above all others. Is he ours, Lord or are we to advocate for him? We kept hearing; he is yours. We prayed for confirmations.
We shared with a few friends and asked them to intercede. We received the word “abundance.” In obedience, I searched the Bible for every time the word abundance was written. I was taken to Psalm 66:12-13 You let men ride over our heads (speaking of oppression);we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance. But it is the next two verses that gripped me. Vs 13 and 14 I will come to your temple with burnt offerings and fulfill my vows to you- vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke when I was in trouble. Vs 16-20 go on Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! Praise God that He has protected Maxim and opened doors! Shortly afterwards I was brought to Psalm 72:12-14. For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight.

One evening in the midst of this time of prayer, we went for a bike ride with the kids. Randy pulled Grace and Rainan in a ride behind. We joked that we would need another one for my bike if indeed this was what God was asking! Shortly upon our arrival back to the house, a friend of ours called saying they were getting ready for a garage sale and wondered if we had need of one! I quickly said YES!

As we pressed in we decided to test the waters all the while asking God to shut doors if it was not meant to be. We began checking with all of the necessary people to make sure that pursuing Maxim would not jeopardize our adoption of Dolly. Each door seemed to open. Not only open, but provide favor. We believe that God allowed me to travel to Torez and that he would pour grace on me to see firsthand and that I would not be afraid or overwhelmed by this calling. We see these and our adoption of Grace as preparations for more to come. We stand on the testimony of what God has already done. We know he is a good God and his plans are for us to prosper and for each of his children to have a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

This last week Randy and I committed to Maxim.

Maxim’s adoption situation is different than Dolly’s. With Dolly we wait on country issues. With Maxim we will be able to go for him quickly. If funds are raised, we have been told that we could travel as soon as October, possibly September. With finances being our greatest obstacle, we learned that our social worker would do our home study for $400. An incredible kind amount considering the costs of home studies so that is already in the works.

When the enormity of the calling comes on me I rest in this:
I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by name. Isaiah 45:2-3
The hallways of Torez are dim. The only light coming in are from the windows so at night or on overcast days and long winters, the place is dark, cold and feels of death. This verse from Isaiah gives me the images of bars being broken off the windows, the ties that are around children to their beds ripped away for THEY ARE truly the treasures of darkness and hidden wealth of secret places.

Last week as we met in prayer with adoptive parents who are seeking the complete healing of their children, who have been abused, the Lord gave me this verse. The Lord their God will save them on that day as the flock of his people. They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown. How attractive and beautiful they will be! Zechariah 9:16-17
As we prayed with the children about all of this, Holden got tears in his eyes thinking about me going back into the mental institution carrying the photo of Maxim and me. We thought about the joy of bringing it to him saying, “I came back for you!” We talked about the power of that promise and testimony and what that would do for his faith!

Today we are asking you to please pray about your role in the adoptions of Dolly and Maxim. We know there will be many needs beyond just getting them home. We know this is life changing so we would appreciate your support in whatever way God lays on your heart. (A friend of ours, little girl is making Capes of Hope – “Go God” capes and 50% of her proceeds she is giving to our adoption! She is 6!) If you would like to support us right now, there are two ways you can help:

1) Prayer. Please pray for us as we make our journeys to Dolly and Maxim. Please pray for favor in every aspect of their adoptions and that every detail will be handled with utmost care and attention. Please pray as we make adjustments in our home and lifestyle to accommodate the needs of these children while we balance the needs of our children already at home. We pray that every detail of this journey is glorifying to God and that many more orphans will be touched in the process. We are also praying for a 12 passenger van for our family as we will have outgrown our minivan. :o) We trust all of this is already in His plan and are thankful that he has placed you in our lives to support us and storm heaven on our behalf!
2) Financial Support. When it comes to fundraising, every dollar counts! Whether you feel called to give $10, $100, or thousands of dollars, please know that we are grateful for every dime and stand in faith believing that God will bless you abundantly for your generosity in more ways than you can imagine. (Luke6:38, 2 Cor.9:7)

We need to raise $20,000 to bring Maxim home. This includes everything from medical exams, visa, passport, travel and lodging. Our in country estimated stay is 3-4 weeks with the possibility of two trips so travel costs take up a lot of this estimate. (We won’t know exact airfare cost until we go to purchase. Perhaps someone would be able to donate frequent flyer miles?) These costs are in addition to what we have left to fundraise for Dolly.

If you would like to give, here is what you can do:
1) For your convenience, you can donate through PayPal on our website at www.gracehavenhome.com by clicking on the Donate button. As you fill out the PayPal form, you will see a “Comment” space. Please write “preference Kacirek Adoption.”
2) You may also send a check to Grace Haven Ministries, P.O. Box 956, Rogers, AR 72757 Please write "preference Kacirek adoption" in the memo line. Grace Haven will send you a tax-deductible receipt at the end of the year.

We invite you to come along with us by following us on our blog. http://kacirek.blogspot.com I have been silent on there while we have been working through much in prayer, but I plan to begin updating to let everyone know new developments and prayer requests. Thank you if you have made it this far into our letter!

We are overjoyed, humbled, in awe at His workings!

We can’t begin to thank you in return for petitioning heaven or providing funds that will place a life in our home. There is no act, word or repayment that would ever adequately convey our gratitude. We simply get to be blessed by watching a child the world would throw away, blossom. We will be equally blessed as Dolly and Maxim.

If God is touching your heart as you have read about our story today, you can go to www.reecesrainbow.org If you click on the waiting children page you can see the faces of special need children who are facing institutions like Maxim if they are not adopted. We are advocating for Victoria (1) and Natalia (1) on the other angel’s page. If you would like to learn more about how to adopt them we would love to help you! And if God is calling you to foster/adopt, international or domestic adoption, Grace Haven would love to help you learn more!

We pray you are blessed!

With love,
Tina with Randy
gracehavenministries@gmail.com

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Proverbs 3:27

Find me Faithful

2010-02-15T12:38:00.003-06:00

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19

I've been in prayer for so many things lately, but much surrounding adoption and caring for orphans. We are in the midst of changes in our ministry and during these times of change, things don't feel familiar. I want to see into the future to be ensured of the decisions being made. How we long for comfort- increase our faith Lord!

The LORD lifts up those who are bowed down, the LORD loves the righteous. Psalm 146:8

As I pray to him, Lord I am seeking your face! I want to understand. I want more. I want to be completely free - dependent on you for ALL things. Why is it, I fail oftentimes? Why do I not learn Father? In all of your goodness, which I have known, why do I find myself coming back to this place, asking for the same things wanting constant assurance?

I saw a picture of myself putting on sunglasses. I heard in my heart, There was a time you put on sunglasses because the light was blinding. The use of those glasses helped you to see clearly and to discern in that environment. But then I sent you into a room. It was just a regular room with the light on and you still had on your sunglasses.

But in this room as I wear these glasses I am squinting as I look around. It takes me a while to realize that in this condition, I must remove my glasses to see. It's not that God changed His plan but that in the course of walking out his purpose in my life, I will need to be incredibly sensitive to the moment I am in- to what God is saying now and not taking into one circumstance the exact approach I came from another.

I began to hear the message in my spirit. What I have told you to do in one circumstance may not be what I am telling you to do in another. My plan for you does not change, but your need to change for my plan will be constant. This is the walk of faith. This is what it means to walk in Spirit. This is what it means to grow. Removing old and replacing with new. Pruning.

Lastnight our family went bowling for Valentine's Day. While I love to bowl and dream of making strikes, my bowling history is less than stellar. My high score going into lastnight was 44. My ball loves the gutter. While I aim for the center it seems that as my arm comes forward to release at the last second it always crosses over. So last night started off the same as all the other times. About the 6th frame of the game I thought- you know I've always bowled left because I am left handed. I wonder what would happen if I bowled right. So when my next turn came I found myself standing and staring down that lane again. My right hand felt weird inside that ball. I knew too that my right hand and arm is weaker than my well used left. While I wasn't fully confident of the outcome, I knew what my left arm had done all these years. As I released the ball something shocking happened. It went straight down the middle and STRIKE! The rest of the game, I threw a spare and 7's and 8's.

As I went to sleep lastnight I was reminded of the sunglasses again and realized God was using my bowling experience to illustrate what he was trying to tell me during my prayer time with the glasses. Just because it makes sense to use my left hand, just because it feels more comfortable and is what I have always done before, does not mean it was what was needed in that scenario. There are things he is calling me into right now that doesn't feel comfortable and I find myself wanting to instinctively retreat back into those places that I feel are "my natural giftings." But I am reminded that the Lord said to eagerly desire all spiritual gifts. (1Cor 12:31 and 1Cor 14:1) It might not be that I walk in them all now, but might it be that I have not pursued all that he wants to give me? (Ask and it will be given!) Have I been willing to listen to Him in ALL things, or only those things that make most sense (in my comfort) to me?

This is TRUTH

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has perceived what God has prepared for those who love him- but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. 13This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.

Find me faithful! This is my heart's cry.

Has Haiti caused you to think about adoption?

2010-01-20T16:52:00.002-06:00

If you have felt your heart being led to adopt because of this tragedy in Haiti, you may want to consider presenting before God to see if His call is for you to adopt a child- period. Perhaps this situation is being used to bring you to a place of consideration. If you feel led to adopt a child from Haiti because you want to save a child, there are many ministries and organizations in Haiti that are working on the orphans behalf, and you may want to see about partnering with them in some way. Heartline Ministries is one.

I have been more encouraged in this last week to see the body of Christ rise up for the orphan and now I pray it doesn't stop in the days to come when there is gradually less and less media coverage and discussion on Haiti. God bless all of you who behind the scenes are interceding and advocating for the orphan. I will never be the same after hearing an orphan kept in an institution where he would not be able to be adopted say to me- Will you remember me? Will you come back? These are words that whisper in my ear again and again.

If you have a passion for the orphan but you know you are not supposed to adopt, would you please consider sowing into our Grace Haven adoption grant fund so we can help a child be placed in a home filled with God's love? Those words whispered in my ear that day were not just for me- they were meant to be shared with the world. These children pray for a family and we want to be an answer to that prayer. We want to say confidently- YES- we will remember you and YES- we will come back for you! WE LOVE YOU!

I will not leave you as orphans- I will come to you!

Burning Heart

2010-01-17T13:56:00.003-06:00

Last Friday, Randy and I had called a group of people together to worship at our home and to share with them some things the Lord has been speaking to us about in regards to Grace Haven. As a friend led us in worship, the Holy Spirit began to impress upon my heart a pain so deep I later described it as a burning feeling. Accompanying this ache were the words "I am hovering over this earth looking for those hearts so undone and filled with mercy." Tears pouring down my face, I no longer felt like moving forward with our meeting, I just wanted to stay in this place of hearing the Lord's heart.

Later as I prayed that evening on my own this feeling only intensified, going into intercession automatically everytime I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. All weekend this continued and then this morning I picked up a book next to my bed called Tortured for Christ and flipped to page 58. Amazed I was to read the following excerpt, "Now I will show you how I love you. At once, I felt a flame in my heart which burned like the coronal steamers of the sun." This seemed to describe perfectly what I was experiencing. I was reminded of the disciples who met up with Jesus on the road to Emmaus and how they later spoke these words, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?" Luke 24:32 This is what it is with me now....the Lord has spoke to my heart so clearly and with burning I feel a greater measure of the intense love he has for his children. He would leave the 99 sheep to go after the one lost sheep.

I have had prayed over me on two occasions over the last year that I might increase in measure with the Father's compassion and mercy in my heart. Is this what I am experiencing now? I believe so. His love so strong it conquers all. His love is power. He is calling us now and he is looking closely down amongst his children and finding those who are poured out for the orphan and lost, those who will allow themselves to be used by him to go after that one of 99 sheep. He grieves for that one!

I'm reminded of the words Loren Cunningham once shared- "I pray for affliction to the comfortable, and comfort to the afflicted." My heart is "afflicted" with groanings of orphans, of those alone and afraid and weak. But I don't want comfort- I want opportunity to do something about it. I want to be used. I want to see chained iron gates busted open by the flood waters of holy love. Lord use your people now, place burning aches for justice in them and empower them in ways only you can. Breathe life where there is death and hope where there is hopelessness.

You Can't Save them All

2010-01-03T20:13:00.006-06:00

I can't recall how many times I have been told, "You can't save all of the orphans of the world," but I know it's been many times over the years. Usually it's accompanied with, "I don't want to sound discouraging," or "We understand what you want to do." I've never understood the point of telling me that and I've never had a great comeback either. Inside, I knew that no, they really didn't understand or they wouldn't make that statement, but I haven't had the words to say it nicely. So my response is usually a small smile followed by, "but it certainly matters to the one you save." I felt unfulfilled in expressing my passion for the orphan mandate in those moments.

I began thinking about Heavenly Father's heart and this is where I found what was missing. God never gave us the job title of life saver. Father simply said "Defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless." How or in what way is between us and him. But I can't imagine him ever saying to us, "You better put a limit on how hard you care for the orphan- after all there are millions of them." Oh I just imagine how His heart hurts when he hears callous remarks towards his most precious. A father to the fatherless is the Lord in his holy indwelling.

What if we had a faith that believed for every orphan? What if we had radical and outrageous faith that every orphan would be cared for, protected and transformed? It is his word! In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost. Matthew 18:14

As I type I sit looking at the photo of a 17 year old boy next to my computer. The size of a toddler, he has laid in a mental institution since he was 4 because of epilepsy. Nothing but bones, he is given just enough food to not die. I can't say he's given enough food to live because he doesn't really live. He lays there moaning in pain and in all reality the chances he is still alive today is slim. I took his picture when I met him in 2006. I vowed to him that I would never forget him and so I have kept his picture next to my computer to remind me daily what the Lord has shown me- that I might be found faithful in my vow to him and to God. One day shortly after I put the photo up, Holden saw it and said, "Mom, I can't stand to see that boy, please take it down!" I understood that being a child, why he would feel that way, but I told him, "It's because we can't stand to look at him, that we need to keep it up." We tend to push these things out of our mind, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to become unmoved at the plight of the orphan. I pray our hearts break with unstoppable intercession that rattles the heavens. I pray that our pleadings would rain mercy and release chains!

On my watch, did a Moses perish in an asylum? Did an Esther die along the road? Did a David take his last breath alone in an orphanage?

"You can't save them all" is not an option. It's not permission to look away. You can't save them all is for people who have faith in self. My faith is in Jesus Christ who died for you and me. My Jesus reigns on the mercy seat and my Father speaks and makes life! GOD CAN SAVE THEM ALL!

The Father's Heart Compels Me to Adopt

2009-12-26T05:53:00.000-06:00

Grace's 7th Birthday Party- October 25, 2009

Some of the most asked questions I hear are:

Why did you decide to adopt?
Why did you adopt overseas and not here in America where there are so many orphans already?
And why special needs?

The most obvious or expected answer might be that I will point you to James 1:27 (Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.) or tell you that God laid adoption on my heart as a small child. These would be true answers. But honestly, it is much deeper than that. We might have started our first adoption because of these reasons but now it is so much more.

I was once an orphan astray from my Heavenly Father but when He came to me, a became alive for the very first time. As I stand naked before Him, flaws and all, I am overwhelmed in joyful tears that I have a Daddy who is not critical, who sees potential and knows my heart. I am blessed to have a Daddy who speaks to me intimately and shows me those things that matter to Him. I have a Daddy who never leaves, holds me when I have fallen and wipes away my tears. I have a Daddy that defends me and enables me. When you meet the Father's love you are unable to contain it. The Father's heart is neverending, it overflows and it touches others. Adoption is perhaps the most beautiful expression of our Father's love for us. The more I grow as a daughter, the more I grow as a mother. The Father's love residing inside fills our hearts with more and more capacity to love His children and to be vessels for Him to express that love in real human tangible ways. It is not a feeling of obligation but, wow, I get to be used by you to fill the heart of another, to the LEAST. It is an honor you know. It is an honor to be entrusted with the defenseless, the weak, the rejected. I don't think there is any act the Lord sees upon this earth more beautiful because it is His essence. We see it expressed in the life of Jesus.

We adopted overseas because our hearts were burdened. We didn't decide to NOT adopt a child from America and at any moment the Lord should direct us in this way, we are eager to respond with a YES! The Lord also revealed to us that those children with special needs are the least likely to be adopted, least likely to receive medical care (let alone anything else)and most likely to die if left in an institution. We are witnesses of a real life miracle. We have in our home a child that had a very slim chance of life outside of a mental institution. A child who once was described as "low mental functioning, on the autism spectrum and fetal alcohol syndrome." Boy, weren't those scary words to hear. But that's just it. That was mans words, not God's. God says, this is my creation and she is good. There is work involved, there is time involved, there is a need for flexibility but then there is GRACE. God's grace is a haven for which I reside. And in that residence is the unfolding story, blossoming eruption over time of all that God has placed inside of our Grace Marina. This is truth. Not where she came from, not what she looked like, acted like, or was defined as but what she is becoming because of love. The more time passes I realize that I have special needs too. Needs only my Father in Heaven can meet.

It is the intimate journey that our Father has walked alongside revealing His plan for us that leads us in the way we will go. This is true for our entire life, not just adoption! Don't get caught up in what others are doing, get caught up with what God is doing with you. He loves you, He loves you, He loves you!

All consuming love

2009-12-23T13:38:00.000-06:00

I woke this morning to news of Derek's accident and then later that he passed. I can't even wrap my mind around this news. As I cried out to the Lord for their family, I was immersed in the feeling of ALL CONSUMING LOVE. How can I feel such sadness and love at the very same time? The Lord's ways are mysterious but true.

I wanted to share a post I sent to an adoption group this morning because it wrapped up our experience with the Loux family.

This summer when we visited them in KC, Randy and I were so amazed at the inner workings of their home with 10 children. While they have a humble home- all you came away with was ABUNDANCE. They are so rich in love that every square foot of thay house seems to sing. While they were busying around making lunch, Renee feeding children, Derek filling out paperwork for the kids, their support staff bustling about....you would think it would be chaotic...small space, lots of people. It was just the opposite. There was enough time for everyone. In the midst of their 100 plus things to do they insisted on feeding us! :o) Somehow God allowed us to have uninterrupted fellowship amidst it all. This is the annointing of God. He multiplies! They walk by faith, not by sight! This is why I know Renee will be okay- because she is immersed in the ALL consuming love of Jesus...and she stays there.

If you haven't had the blessing of meeting the Loux family, I invite you to visit their blog site and to read about their ministry- The Josiah Fund and what they have been in the midst of doing. Consider sowing into their ministry now. http://louxfamilyblog.com/

We love you Renee and family. HUGS You have seen miracles and you will see more.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

Something New

2009-12-22T08:12:00.000-06:00

Welcome to our family blog! This is a new venture for sure, keeping up with our happenings like this. I'm hoping I'll fit this in our daily routine somehow anyway.

Right now we are in the middle of adopting Dolly. This is our second adoption. She is nearing 2 and a half and we are hoping to have her home mid-to fall 2010. We are nearly half way through our fundraising which is a huge praise the Lord. Sweet Dolly (her cyber name) has spina bifida and hydrocephalus so we are busying ourselves in this time getting as much knowledge as possible so we can be ready to go with a medical and therapy plan when she arrives.

If adoption is on your heart but you've been scared about costs- let me tell you, I have watched so many families start with $0 in the adoption fund! The Lord's plan prevails so don't put limits by staring at that mountain ahead of you....He will make a way.